{"id":212,"date":"2017-01-18T20:54:00","date_gmt":"2017-01-18T20:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2017\/01\/18\/of-three-minds-x-posted-imaginary-funerals\/"},"modified":"2021-11-16T00:41:12","modified_gmt":"2021-11-16T05:41:12","slug":"of-three-minds-x-posted-imaginary-funerals","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2017\/01\/of-three-minds-x-posted-imaginary-funerals\/","title":{"rendered":"Of Three Minds (x-posted Imaginary Funerals)"},"content":{"rendered":"

This post has been crossposted from the Imaginary Funerals blog that has since been discontinued. Posts are hosted on the Imaginary Funerals G+ page<\/a>.<\/span><\/i>

<\/span><\/i>
<\/span>OF THREE MINDS (link to main host)<\/a><\/span><\/b>

<\/b>by <\/i>+<\/span>Brie Sheldon<\/a><\/span><\/i> (originally posted July 7, 2014)<\/i>

I sit at the table and roll the dice and don\u2019t care how they land.<\/span>

I sit at the table and play out stories and cry for real.<\/span>

I sit at the table and my friends are my friends, are not my friends, are alien.<\/span>

I sit at the table and break into bitty pieces when my character dies.<\/span>

Playing games when you have bipolar disorder is really an experiment in experience. Sometimes I feel normal, and play normally. What is normal? I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s how I feel when I\u2019m on the level. But, I respond to things appropriately, my emotions make sense, and I\u2019m in something resembling a good mood. That means my characters act rationally and I have fun.<\/span>

But then sometimes I\u2019m manic, and I respond to everything erratically. I can\u2019t focus, and I talk too much. Sometimes I\u2019m over-excited so I am hyper positive. Other times I\u2019m irritable and just want to kill things in game, so my calm characters become murderous and my good characters often find their way to evil, or something like it. I\u2019m antagonistic to other players. My emotions are unusual and nonsensical. I laugh or cry at inappropriate times. I am confusing.<\/span>

When I am depressed, it is the worst. There are two sides to depression for me: sadness and apathy. Sadness, I can deal with. I play tragic characters, in tragic situations, and eke out little bits of bittersweet happiness. I cry when my characters cry. I cling to my friends and companions in desperation \u2013 don\u2019t let me go to where the sadness is. I struggle for happiness. But apathy\u2026 apathy is the hardest. Of all of the things I have experienced \u2013 fear, paranoia, mania, anger, elation \u2013 apathy takes away more than any of them. To take something that brings me joy and rip it away from me and leave me absently writing out character details and hoping that something will happen that is extreme, so maybe I finally feel something, it is painful. But it only lasts so long, and when it wears off, it is truly extreme. It either gives way to sadness that wearies me or mania that tears me apart.<\/span>

And so I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The bomb to go off. Waiting for my mind to decide that this character is going to risk everything and get themselves killed because I\u2019m having a bad day. Waiting for my mind to decide to blow up the plot, or leave the party, or burn down the fictional house. For me, this shows up in game as small aggressions \u2013 my characters might ruin other players\u2019 plans, or I might unknowingly metagame, or I break the rules. I get a little twisted around on the split between fiction and reality. But in a game, I can leave the party, or burn down the house \u2013 and the divisions between game and life don\u2019t really seem to matter anymore. The most important part is that my reality isn\u2019t everyone else\u2019s reality, and it\u2019s entirely possible that my breaking will break the game.<\/span>

It doesn\u2019t matter which part of the cycle I\u2019m in, I just know that the next step is unpredictable, and that it puts my games and my friendships at risk. I just have to wait and see.<\/span>

I am a time bomb.\ufeff<\/span><\/span>

<\/span>
<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

This post is free, but Thoughty is supported by the community on patreon.com\/briecs<\/a>. Tell your friends! <\/span>

<\/span>To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http:\/\/paypal.me\/thoughty<\/a>.<\/span>

<\/span>If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post has been crossposted from the Imaginary Funerals blog that has since been discontinued. Posts are hosted on the Imaginary Funerals G+ page.OF THREE MINDS (link to main host)by +Brie Sheldon (originally posted July 7, 2014)I sit at the table and roll the dice and don\u2019t care how they land.I sit at the table and … Continue reading “Of Three Minds (x-posted Imaginary Funerals)”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[390],"tags":[28,31,2,17,35,32,8,15,12,42,18],"class_list":["post-212","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-archive","tag-briecs-on-design","tag-disabilities","tag-disability","tag-gaming","tag-mental-health","tag-mental-illness","tag-roleplaying-games","tag-rpg","tag-rpgs","tag-tabletop","tag-tabletop-rpgs"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/paHOcG-3q","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":214,"url":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2017\/01\/gaming-with-fibromyalgia-x-posted-imaginary-funerals\/","url_meta":{"origin":212,"position":0},"title":"Gaming with Fibromyalgia (x-posted Imaginary Funerals)","author":"Beau J\u00e1gr Sheldon","date":"January 17, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"This post has been crossposted from the Imaginary Funerals blog that has since been discontinued. 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Posts are hosted on the Imaginary Funerals G+ page.There will soon be a follow-up post to this, so keep an eye out!PLAYING WITH IDENTITY (link to main host)by +Brie Sheldon\u00a0(originally posted 8, 2014)So like, there\u2019s\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Archive"","block_context":{"text":"Archive","link":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":110,"url":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2018\/02\/death-in-rpgs-let-me-live-revised-2-17-18\/","url_meta":{"origin":212,"position":2},"title":"Death in RPGs – Let Me Live (revised 2\/17\/18)","author":"Beau J\u00e1gr Sheldon","date":"February 17, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Hi all!I recorded this recently and had to make some updates, but now it's a new video on a new URL:\u00a0https:\/\/youtu.be\/Uluvyh64_P8This post was supported by the community on patreon.com\/briecs. Tell your friends!To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http:\/\/paypal.me\/thoughty.If you'd like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Archive"","block_context":{"text":"Archive","link":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2030,"url":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2020\/07\/thoughty-update-july-2020\/","url_meta":{"origin":212,"position":3},"title":"Let’s Talk: A Thoughty Update…among other things","author":"Beau J\u00e1gr Sheldon","date":"July 31, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"I apologize if this is the first some of you may be hearing of my current health status, but the quarantine has made communicating really difficult. Please watch this video and feel free to reach out, but do not feel any obligation to give platitudes. 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I've also added some new language to the Script Change page to help with anyone else interested in using Script Change in their game or in translating the text!","rel":"","context":"In "Archive"","block_context":{"text":"Archive","link":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2567,"url":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/2021\/02\/precious-little-animal\/","url_meta":{"origin":212,"position":5},"title":"#33in28 Precious Little Animal Review","author":"Beau J\u00e1gr Sheldon","date":"February 15, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Hi all! This is my review for the third week of #33in28 where I focus on a single game. This week\u2019s game is Alex Roberts\u2019 Precious Little Animal! It seemed really cute and positive, which I think is something all of us could benefit from this week. Precious Little Animal\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Archive"","block_context":{"text":"Archive","link":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/category\/archive\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"The Precious Little Animal Kickstarter promotional image with the hand drawn title and cute little animals surrounding it.","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/preciouslittleanimal.png?fit=1024%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/preciouslittleanimal.png?fit=1024%2C576&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/preciouslittleanimal.png?fit=1024%2C576&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/02\/preciouslittleanimal.png?fit=1024%2C576&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/212","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=212"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/212\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=212"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=212"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/briebeau.com\/thoughty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=212"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}