A slight diversion from our normal content, here. It’s semi-political, if my mental health is political. <\/b><\/p>\n
Content\/Trigger Notice: mental health, depression, bipolar, and similar illnesses are all discussed\/specific mentions of binge drinking, suicide, and self-destructive behavior. <\/i><\/p>\n
I was going to write about Are You Mental?<\/i> and its Kickstarter when I got home today. I don’t need to, because there’s this excellent post<\/a> by Kate Bullock, who is wonderful. <\/b>I’m going to say shit anyway.<\/p>\n I know I do problematic things in relation to mental health and representation, I totally do, but I’m also extremely aware of how my literal<\/i> crazy is heavily misrepresented by media<\/i> and fiction<\/i> crazy. See, here\u2019s the thing. I live my crazy in public.<\/b> I don\u2019t think there has ever been a day when someone has asked me about my mental health and I\u2019ve denied them an answer. I joke about it, occasionally, but not often. Often, I\u2019m too busy with<\/i> it. <\/b><\/p>\n Somewhere around 2013ish, I\u2019m not sure when, I started a spiral into an incredibly tragic and damaging mixed\/manic episode<\/b> in which I destroyed friendships, professional relationships, had abusive relationships and may have been abusive myself, wasted more money than is reasonable, experienced massive physical health issues in part because of the irresponsible and self-destructive behavior, and I did a lot of wrong things, including some things that other people would never admit to. <\/b><\/p>\n If you ask me? I will try<\/i> to tell you honestly what happened.<\/b> There are some times I don\u2019t really know. The funny thing about being so crazy<\/i> is that you don\u2019t always remember the worst things.<\/b> Or the best things.<\/b> Like, I remember drinking an entire bottle of vodka after my then-partner screamed and shook the dinner table for half the meal and tried to hit me. That was not my crazy, nope, but there it was, nestled in the situation my crazy put me in. I don\u2019t remember seeing some of my best friends at conventions where I was so manic, so close to breaking,<\/b> that I didn\u2019t really sleep for almost 72 hours, and barely ate, and talked so fast I don\u2019t even remember how I managed to talk. I crave those moments. Those moments, at a gaming con, as a gamer, where I was crazy<\/i>. <\/b><\/p>\n I am well medicated, doing therapy, and thankfully with access to good healthcare to keep those things. (No worries, potential employers!) <\/b>Not everyone has that.<\/b><\/i> Even having it doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re safe. Everyone who watches me on social media sees these ups and downs of my moods, <\/b>my bleak moments of depression, my hypomania. Lithium is great, but it does not cure me<\/i>. <\/p>\n If you sit down and play a game, and you play a mad<\/i> character, a crazy<\/i> character, oh, it\u2019s so exciting, isn\u2019t it? To be crazy<\/b>? To be INSANE<\/b>? You can do whatever you want! No matter what you do, it\u2019s okay, you\u2019re crazy! Hahaha OMG NOT REALLY.<\/b><\/p>\n My freelance career is mostly in tatters.<\/b> I couldn\u2019t do the work. I couldn\u2019t\u2019 focus. I got nothing done. I have some work \u2013 thanks to some very, very generous people \u2013 but I\u2019m not a professional.<\/b> I burned that flag to ashes and dust. I was not a nice person.<\/b> I wasn\u2019t respectful. Hell, I honestly feel like I lost tons of social relationships alone on this, in part because everyone thought I made someone cheat on their wife,* because that\u2019s<\/i> totally something I want on my resume. <\/b><\/p>\n I am very honest about my mental illnesses so that people can see, in reality, what crazy<\/i> is.<\/b> It is not laughing enthusiastically because things are so, so funny, it\u2019s laughing because you actually can\u2019t stop and you don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong and if you stop you might die<\/i>. It\u2019s not feeling morose and sad, sitting at a windowsill dripping with raindrops, it\u2019s sitting on your kitchen floor crying because you almost killed yourself, again, you might do it again, you might die<\/i>.<\/b> It\u2019s not being nervous around new people you\u2019ve never met before, it\u2019s being afraid to go to your best friend\u2019s house and if they see how much of a goddamn mess you are, you might die<\/i>. Some of these are figurative. Some of them are extremely not<\/i>. <\/b><\/p>\n Are You Mental?<\/i> may be super fun and exciting and make a lot of people very happy. All I can say is that I am, actually, mental<\/i>, and games like that make me feel like I should<\/u> fucking die<\/i>.<\/b><\/p>\n ——————————–<\/span> This post was supported by the community on patreon.com\/briecs<\/a>. <\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
<\/span>Small addendum: 1) I am not asking for this to be paid via Patreon. That feels weird. 2) I did do consulting on the essays for mental health representation in the Lovecraftesque game by Becky Annison and Joshua Fox, and I’m available to do that for other games. Just comment and tag me and we’ll go from there. <\/i><\/span>
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<\/span>*I literally have no desire to deal with people’s defenses of this or justifications. Just leave it alone, it’s better off dead.<\/span><\/i><\/span><\/p>\n
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