Hey, friends, supporters, consumers, and colleagues. this one is a little important.
I hope the best came for you in major holidays for each culture and religion or lack thereof that came before this post, and the same wishes for you in the festivities (or lack thereof!) to come. Please stay safe in the continuance of COVID-19 and the many dangers all marginalized people face, and seek joy in every moment – even if it’s fleeting, it heals more than all the rest.
That being said, this is me. Beau Sheldon.
Content warnings for discussion of mental illness, physical disability, financial insecurity, gender identity, gender dysphoria, mention of hallucinations, mention of schizoaffective disorder, mentions of political and social issues in the United States, and details of creative dysfunction.
Today I put on makeup because I needed to feel better about myself, because I have been experiencing a lot of setbacks lately. Financial, professional, physical, and mental – even my relationships feel the strain, my family at a distance because I can’t handle the weight of their lives and mine, especially when mine feels like a heavy burden. I am tired of a lot of things, but nothing moreso than myself.
I am still struggling through finding out what’s wrong with my physical health – I will not bore you with the details, but surprise, I’m in pain and can barely function, but there’s no answer to be found. I’m back to struggling with dental treatment in part from a past dental office doing awful work on my teeth. And again, the loudness and brightness of the world, the fear of the world, has taken me over. I have been advised by my therapist to discuss schizoaffective disorder on top of my other illnesses (primarily bipolar) and to see about readjusting all of my meds to suit that treatment.
I am talking about this openly because mental illness is not wrong or bad, physical illness is not disgusting or the cause of uselessness, and our world and our system are broken. All I have to fight with is my voice, and I have been screaming silence for a year or more, the wails caught in my throat, and water pouring in every time I take a breath. It’s time that this changes, that I speak while I pursue the best treatments I can for what ail me, and in part – I know this is hard to believe – that I stop being afraid of the things I can control and build a beautiful fence between me and the harms I struggle against. Someday I hope there won’t be need for a fence.
I’m going to take a lot more time to myself than I ever have, but do so constructively. I will be doing some work with The Bodhana Group in regards to safety tools (I’ll be on a panel January 3rd, will post about it on socials and such). This is so deep into my purpose, I can’t wait!
I also have a few articles planned. While I hope to highlight small games with short posts when I can, I want to do an article about gender and masculinity and power in the context of the acceptance or rejection of white supremacy in Wolfenstein. I want to talk more about Shadowrun 3rd edition, why I think it is something we can learn from, but shouldn’t emulate. I want to talk about lonely games, what they are, and how to design them, because they belong to everyone. I have a lot more I’m thinking about, including the ownership of safety tools, the inclusion and integration of them in games, and how I feel that most people miss the point of them, but it can be fixed in a jiff. These are things on my mind.
While I do that, I’m supporting blog post construction for www.thecyberchair.com authored by cybersecurity expert Kathleen Hyde, who is focused on cybersecurity. Her work is in parallel to the work I do – safety, security, consent, ownership, and how we can find enjoyment while having those, too. We just use different methods, and I feel great knowing Kathleen is at the forefront of cybersecurity, and that this gives me some stable work that I can do even when in many deep feelings of uselessness.
I’ve decided officially to swear off any freelance projects until I feel physically and emotionally well again. I will create though! For example, I will finish the Turn backer rewards. Just like, bear with the person struggling to live. I am grateful to John for housing me, caring for me, and ensuring I can live safely. This year threatened all of those things, and I am lucky that I could grant John some space and spend time with Thomas, who cares for me as well, at times to balance the load. But I do need to still contribute for my soul and for the sake of my livelihood.
I want to create art – not just games but DEFINITELY games – including broadening my visual art skills, releasing the short story collection I wrote with Thomas, talk about movies, potentially continue thatlittleitch or make it a concrete thing, and also making my body into art – dressing more like who I am, letting my queer and voidboy expression expand wherever it wants to be, because I need to, because my existence is part of the fight for me, and for what I can do for others. I don’t want to fade away as an unsuccessful. broken person that no one remembers for anything good. If one person remembers my actions as valuable, I think that’s winning.
I also plan to explore more ways to make games using my other skills and knowledge, do more approachable theory, as well as keep seeing where Script Change can make a difference. We don’t have to stop with what we have, but we can also definitely build on our foundations so we don’t lose lessons already learned. I have made many mistakes in life, so I feel like, hell, I oughta be out there sharing ways to avoid more. (Hopefully on Leading with Class again someday, too.)
I have been kinda bleeding Patreon patrons, both from their reasons and I’m sure related to my lack of content. Aside from acting as designer for Esoteric Underground Issue One & working with The Cyber Chair, I actually haven’t been doing much more than tons of doctor appointments, being unable to get out of bed for myriad reasons, and telling clients I can’t finish because I’m fighting to stay alive. I had to get my roof replaced, Thor’s dealing with more medical treatment, we still have more plumbing problems, oh, and I keep thinking my cats are talking to me.
With that in mind, yeah, expect stuff to be slow (especially big posts, but I always try to communicate to you all. I am angry at myself for not being done with Turn KS stuff, but it turns out sometimes the voices don’t like you. I’m gonna try to quiet them. I am being determined that I can get through this right now, so I can remember that later.
My Patreon is by post for a reason, and I do have products out there too on briebeau.itch.io and both Indie Press Revolution (Not Love & Money, but I get paid for Behind the Mask, Turn, and LMTAS!) and DriveThruRPG. Plus, always check out jw-sheldon.com for John’s work & commissions/hiring, and likewise for Thomas at thomas-novosel.com and thomasnovosel.itch.io. They’re a part of me, and vice versa.
Also, it is important to note: I will always be the Brie, and I am continuing the use of BrieBeau for my sites. However, in January you’ll find out why I’m planning to officially change my name to Beau J. Sheldon, and what the J. stands for.
Kick it!