Category: Mental Health

One Track Mind and Frenemies

Content Warnings: mental health, disability, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective / psychotic symptoms, suicidality, hearing voices, dissociative disorders, electroconvulsive therapy, partial psychiatric intake programs, COVID, PTSD / CPTSD, loss of resources, loss of function, grief

I try to consider the ways my life could have gone differently sometimes, but there is one way that things did go that may have gone worse. It’s been altered again very recently, and I don’t know how to cope. I feel afraid of what is to come, and with all I’ve lost, I don’t know who I am anymore, even if I am not angry at where I am.

After several years of struggling with my most notable head injury, new diagnoses, mental illness, multiple harmful relationships, and losing or having to sacrifice the use of my degree, my careers, and the ability to do many things I once enjoyed, I found myself at the onset of a mixed bipolar 1 episode with schizoaffective symptoms yet again. I was struggling with the impact of PTSD on my life and function. Also trying to answer yet-unresolved questions about the impact of COVID on my body that has led to constant physical discomfort and symptoms that left me justified in being paranoid about my wellbeing.

I participated in a partial inpatient program that helped with my mental health, but the mixed episode was stubborn. I was barely sleeping, borderline suicidal on a daily basis, and not unsure whether this would be the last run for me. I’d learned coping mechanisms and addressed my trauma more deeply. Unfortunately, when you’ve done a lot of therapy and also tried and failed a lot of medication, options become limited to stop a train like a mixed episode. I’ve had episodes lasting multiple years that were almost life ruining, and I couldn’t bear the thought of going through that again.

Continue reading “One Track Mind and Frenemies”

Arn Mountain & The Glass Globes

This post is the text version of an exercise now available in PDF format at thoughty.itch.io/arnmountain for your use under a Creative Commons 4.0 Attribution International license.

All art and text by Beau Jágr Sheldon, 2023-2024.

Arn Mountain & The Glass Globes

Containment and Categorization of Emotions & Memories

by Beau Jágr Sheldon, 2023

A greyscale digital illustration of mountains in a foggy sky with trees and fields around a winding road that leads to the mountain's base.

In the green and overgrown hills and valleys, there are a series of caverns beneath the ground. Many years ago, these caverns were carved out and made into a secure storage location. Inside, there are full size locations with marble stairwells and arches, document archives, even some legendary vaults with highly desired media within. In this ritual, you are now the owner of this colloquially-called Arn Mountain and within it, you can store all of your memories, emotions, and experiences in whatever form you deem appropriate.

You can traverse it in your golf cart, stopping at each location as you need, and take things out or put things inside the various safes, secure locations, or display shelves. When you’re done inside, you can exit the facility, locking the door behind you physically and electronically. The facility is huge, and even if you recorded every moment of your life, you would never run out of space for each record, and it is almost as if the space expands as you need it to hold what you must.

This location is one of the most seismically and natural-disaster secure locations in the entirety of North America. No outside force will interfere with what you put inside the mountain. It will not be shaken, broken, burned, or invaded, and is truly a safe place. No one else can enter it without your permission, and you can revoke access to it for anyone, at any time. Because of this, you have complete power over the mountain, and can go into it whenever you wish, or keep it locked and protected when you prefer.

For this ritual, you will either describe or conceptualize Arn Mountain, identify how you will store some of your memories and emotions within the mountain, and you will also identify some key items you keep in the Glass Globes protected inside the mountain.

The lines after each prompt can be used as pacing, with a breath in or out for each line, when read aloud. The headers are guidance for completing this as a written, nonverbal prompt, and do not need to be read aloud.

Continue reading “Arn Mountain & The Glass Globes”

His Name Is Robert Paulson: Conformance, Erasure, & Bitch Tits

Content Warning: transphobia, homophobia, gender dysphoria, sexism, misogyny, violence, body dysmorphia, mental illness, disability, toxic masculinity, gun violence, cancer, cults, indoctrination, hormonal disorders, supremacy culture

Like many in my generation, I saw Fight Club (1999, dir. David Fincher) as an impressionable teen growing up in an era where terms like “toxic masculinity” were becoming increasingly common. I grew up in a supremacy culture – white supremacy impacts rural, insular communities deeply, and men were and are still the most privileged, particularly white men. Evangelical Christianity was the majority and the most influential of religions – to the exclusion of most others – in the Pennsylvanian towns I grew up in, and that culture likewise elevated largely white men. But, the internet and major media had given voice to rising progressive and feminist perspectives. 

Fight Club itself would likely never be included in progressive media as something of value, while the original book by Chuck Palahniuk may have more to say than the film. I haven’t been able to read the book for reasons related to this writing, and while I have seen the movie several times since my original viewing, it is harder every time. The hypermasculine violence is visceral and distressing, yes, and complex misogyny by The Narrator and other characters towards Marla, the only woman featured in the film and (to my knowledge) book, is always unpleasant. As someone who considers their religious upbringing cult-like, the indoctrination is also challenging. However, my reasons for a lengthy love/hate relationship with Fight Club are more than that.

Continue reading “His Name Is Robert Paulson: Conformance, Erasure, & Bitch Tits”