Tag: movies

His Name Is Robert Paulson: Conformance, Erasure, & Bitch Tits

Content Warning: transphobia, homophobia, gender dysphoria, sexism, misogyny, violence, body dysmorphia, mental illness, disability, toxic masculinity, gun violence, cancer, cults, indoctrination, hormonal disorders, supremacy culture

Like many in my generation, I saw Fight Club (1999, dir. David Fincher) as an impressionable teen growing up in an era where terms like “toxic masculinity” were becoming increasingly common. I grew up in a supremacy culture – white supremacy impacts rural, insular communities deeply, and men were and are still the most privileged, particularly white men. Evangelical Christianity was the majority and the most influential of religions – to the exclusion of most others – in the Pennsylvanian towns I grew up in, and that culture likewise elevated largely white men. But, the internet and major media had given voice to rising progressive and feminist perspectives. 

Fight Club itself would likely never be included in progressive media as something of value, while the original book by Chuck Palahniuk may have more to say than the film. I haven’t been able to read the book for reasons related to this writing, and while I have seen the movie several times since my original viewing, it is harder every time. The hypermasculine violence is visceral and distressing, yes, and complex misogyny by The Narrator and other characters towards Marla, the only woman featured in the film and (to my knowledge) book, is always unpleasant. As someone who considers their religious upbringing cult-like, the indoctrination is also challenging. However, my reasons for a lengthy love/hate relationship with Fight Club are more than that.

Continue reading “His Name Is Robert Paulson: Conformance, Erasure, & Bitch Tits”

A Very Merry Mental Illness to Me

Hey, friends, supporters, consumers, and colleagues. this one is a little important.

I hope the best came for you in major holidays for each culture and religion or lack thereof that came before this post, and the same wishes for you in the festivities (or lack thereof!) to come. Please stay safe in the continuance of COVID-19 and the many dangers all marginalized people face, and seek joy in every moment – even if it’s fleeting, it heals more than all the rest.

That being said, this is me. Beau Sheldon.

Beau in a black and grey hoodie tee with festive makeup.
Me. 2020.
Content warnings for discussion of mental illness, physical disability, financial insecurity, gender identity, gender dysphoria, mention of hallucinations, mention of schizoaffective disorder, mentions of political and social issues in the United States, and details of creative dysfunction.
Continue reading “A Very Merry Mental Illness to Me”

Love, Joy, Empathy, and Why I I’m Not Giving Up

Last night I had the awesome experience of going to see Mikey Neumann’s Movies with Mikey Live, courtesy of my friend Anders as a 30th birthday gift. Mikey reviews films and is a video game writer, and he is one of my favorite people. It was amazing – I laughed, I cried, and it hit some nerves in important ways.
There are a few things Mikey said that made an impact more than all the rest, and some of them weren’t just a few words. I’m gonna go through the hard ones first then roll it back to good. This will relate to games, I swear.
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Mikey at one point asked, “how many of you have been alone with your thoughts for two months?”
I raised my hand (I think there were two or three of us). When he said it, my mind rubberbanded – shot backwards and snapped forward. When my husband John was deployed in Iraq, I lived alone for over a year in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I shut myself inside, I tried to vent it out in journals or on places like LiveJournal that was mostly screaming into a void, but I couldn’t escape my own mind.
My mental health deteriorated rapidly, and my physical health didn’t do well – I’d lock myself in the house for days. I saw people, but it wasn’t broken until I sat on the floor of my mom’s house, completely delusional and fully in belief that the world was ending. I sobbed for hours and sat in terror of what would come and my biggest fear, the scariest thing about an apocalypse, was that I might live and be alone with myself forever.
That fear hasn’t faded. It’s still scary to me, and I worry that my being a trash fire to be around will make that a reality – my behavior and incompetence will lead to my partners and friends deserting me, because I know I would desert me.
So there was that.
Then Mikey talked about his experiences in the hospital when he had his frankly terrifying event last year. I have not been hospitalized long term, but the facts of physically deteriorating, not having diagnoses, and sudden onset symptoms are familiar – and the experience he described is one I desperately fear. Every time I have a twinge in my back, a cold, a night where waking up seems like the worst option. So it shook me up, just like listening to him talk about things close to this before. I cried a lot.
I’m struggling right now because every thing that goes wrong just wrecks me. I made one mistake at work the other day and just destroyed myself over it for hours. I’m still thinking about it. I struggled with design work and almost bailed out on a contract because I can’t look at my own work and see value. I told myself I wasn’t allowed a birthday because I don’t deserve it.
So that also happened.
Mikey also, earlier, had talked about altering perspectives, helping people see movies in different ways that might change how they feel about them. He talked about Deep Dive, and it reminded me how I wished he would do a do-over of the Jupiter Ascending episode because John said it wasn’t nice and that I would get upset. See, I love Jupiter Ascending, and it’s often hard to get people to see the good in it. But it made me think about how our first tries are often not our best ones. That gave me a little shiver of hope. Over the past few years I’ve nearly shut down this blog and quit games multiple times, after my work continued to be inadequate and the blog floundered. I don’t want to end things, but my self-loathing and lack of success has been heavy. But maybe if I keep trying?
Then he talked about the important part – love, joy, empathy.
I honestly can’t remember everything he said. I was so overwhelmed. A lot of people might know that I’ve been struggling with my mental and physical health for a long time, and one of the ways I’ve tried to do that is to try to be kinder.
I’m an angry person. I always have been, angry, ready to fight, every day. I’m bitter and fiery and it’s exhausting. But ever since the Dark Years, I’ve been trying so hard to be better.
I worked on not calling people names and swearing at them. I disengaged from relationships that allowed my anger to grow and fester. I preached to be kinder, to love people, and I asked people to stop hurting people.
But lately, I have not done this. I have been exhausted, surrounded by everyone else’s anger, boiling in hurt every day by the words of my friends, colleagues, and the people who control my life. My work makes me angry. School makes me angry. I am so angry all of the time, and it turns into this cycle of self loathing because I don’t want to be angry, but it often feels like my only alternative is sadness.
My doctors have told me that a happy medium will always be a challenge for me, and that experiencing joy will be fraught because it’ll be hard to find and the crash can often be very brutal. I’m glad they told me, but it’s something I struggle with because it’s true.
I need to change that. I may never normalize to happy, and I might not be able to be joyful without a crash. But that has to be okay. It must be. With that in mind, I’m reflecting on how I pursue games and create them, and how I engage with the community.
Love
– I will give my love freely in all ways, even if it’s just a general love of humanity.
– I will try to ensure that love is a part of my games, encouraged and recognized.
– I will remember that hate is less effective than love.
Joy
– I will have more fun! I want to find at least one fun thing a week to enjoy, in games or out.
– I will support joyful games, bring attention, and encourage more joyful games to be made.
– I will put joy out, too, by trying to post more about good in my life, including the positive work I’m doing in design.
Empathy
– I will support those in my community who struggle in the ways I can.
– I will continue to fight against injustice, and against harassment, and try to find opportunities to change our landscape to support those in need.
– I will let go of bitterness against those who have wronged me.
—
The last of those is one I have already started pursuing, with my apology weekend where I asked people to apologize to me freely, without any given reason, and I forgave everyone who did. It was revolutionary for me.
I have realized, just while thinking on this, that my recent deep struggles might not be solved by these efforts, but that it doesn’t actually matter. This isn’t about fixing me, or anyone else.
It’s about living.
<3

Five or So Questions with Steve Radabaugh on Cast Off

Hi all! I spoke to Steve Radabaugh about his latest mobile game, Cast Off, a movie trivia game! It sounds like a fun time so I’m sharing what he has to say about Cast Off with you!

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Tell me a little about Cast Off. What excites you about it?

So Cast Off was originally designed by Jonathan Lavallee as a card game. I’ve turned it into an app. It’s a game where one team will select a famous voice and a role from a selection of 3 each. Someone on the other team will audition for the role by reading a line while impersonating the given voice. The rest of the team has to try to guess the voice and various facts about the movie the line came from.

I’m excited because I think the game really works better as an app than it did as a card game. It’s more convenient to pass around a phone than a deck of cards, and you always have it with you. I really think this will open it up to a new audience.


How did you go about getting authorization to make an app based on someone else’s game? What kind of process is that?

In this case, it’s probably a bit different than normal. I put a message out to IGDN members noting that I was looking for things to collaborate on, or just straight contract work. Jonathan approached me about this project last spring. He’s been great to work with, I’ve given him test builds along the way, and he gives me feedback. He also helps me make sure that the audio and visual elements that weren’t in the original game are on brand.

Images from the Radical Bomb website.

What is the interface of Cast Off like, from the player perspective?

I really tried to stick to the idea that it’s a card game. The players will see the 6 initial cards, and they choose two. It then displays just those two cards much larger for the person who is doing the audition to read. I added tutorial elements that can be turned on or off into the game to really guide the players. After doing testing, I found that most people tried just playing without looking at the tutorial.

What are the major mechanical functions of Cast Off, and how did you make them work?

The biggest part is just drawing and displaying cards. When you start playing it builds an array of the cards that you have access to. (There are 5 sets total to choose from, and you can choose as many as you like. One comes with the game, the other four are in app purchases.) It pulls three random cards out of the array displays them, and them puts them into a second discard array. What’s interesting to me as a programmer is that I don’t actually every “shuffle” the deck of cards. Its more like grabbing a random card out of the middle instead of just grabbing the top card.

How can people access Cast Off and how do they play once they have?

Cast Off will be available as of October 26th, 2017 on both iOS and Android. The best way to play is with a group of at least four people, it can easily play a group of twenty or more. Everyone shares one device, so there’s not a huge requirement of everyone having the device. The players divide into two to four teams, there does need to be at least 2 people on a team. Team one will start with selecting the cards for the role and the voice, then pass the device to one person on team two. That person will attempt to impersonate the voice while reading the line. The rest of their team will have 30 seconds to try and guess the voice and facts about the movie the role came from. The person who did the audition marks which things were correct. Then it’ll be team two’s turn to draw cards.

😀

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Thanks to Steve for the interview! Make sure to check out Cast Off on Radical Bomb’s website and share with your friends!

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

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Five or So Questions with Nerdy City on Rememorex

Hi all! Today I have an interview with Megan and Sean Jaffe from Nerdy City on their new game, Rememorex, which is currently on Kickstarter! It’s a modern game with an 80s theme and sounds like a really good time. Check it out!

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Tell me a little about Rememorex. What excites you about it?

Sean: Rememorex is a passion project that grew out of a massive lightning-bolt of inspiration. My wife and I are both old-school gamers, and we watched Stranger Things while constantly repeating how this story itself works like a tabletop game. My wife and I actually created Clearfield on the road from NJ to Chicago, and named Clearfield, DE ,after the town we were passing through on I-80. Out of idle curiosity, I asked some friends online if anyone would be interested in doing tabletop game set in the mid-‘80s, and the response was very positive. The game became an institution on our Jersey City Tuesday nights, and from there, things just gained momentum. My wife and I are very much 80’s kids: I’m a NJ Metalhead, and she’s a Chicago New Wave girl, so we cover a lot of ground. 

There’s no denying that ‘80s are hot right now. I think it’s because Gen X is starting to produce a lot of entertainment so we’re lionizing our pasts the way the Boomers did for us (Seriously, how many of our Saturday Morning Cartoons were about letter jackets and drive-ins? What the hell did that have to with Q-bert of Galaxy High school? Now cartoons all have cassette players and Nintendos in the background.) So I guess we got lucky. Still, things are so garbage right now that any escapism seems to be welcomed by people. I get it. As for Nerdy City, well, we just wanted to go back to a time when there were still music videos on TV and the Transformers actually looked like something. Horror and mystery are just more fun when you can’t immediately look up what kind of asylum used to stand where your house was built, or call the cops when you’re the middle of the woods.

What are the mechanics like in Rememorex? How did you match the mechanics side of the game with the fiction?

Sean: Mechanics are intentionally simple and light. Characters are based on three simple stats: Type (Who you are), Training (What you know), and Talent (What makes you unique.). Dice are rolled, totaled, and compared against a target number. Action is super fast and easy. A fun mechanic we have is the “Tracking Error,” wherein players who’s characters aren’t present in the scene can affect their friends characters by changing things in it, helping or hindering things as they see fit!
Megan: Sean developed the Omnisystem a few years ago, I don’t even remember the original setting, but then decided it went well with this time travel idea he’d had, and that became Tempus Omni. It’s a very freeform, rules light system. You do roll dice, but your stats aren’t things like dexterity or charisma, it’s something that describes your character; a short sentence or even a phrase. We have a player who has stats as “The Actual Worst.” The rules that were added were both to keep on theme (nothing more 80s than a Montage) and also to both up the immersion and to help a larger than usual tabletop group work together. Tracking Errors is the best example of this; you have to roll a handful of dice, but not for the numbers, just for the sound, to alert the other players. Then even though your character is not in the scene, you can affect it in different ways. It helps to keep a larger group involved with the ongoing story, when they feel they can have some agency.

What are some cool experiences you’ve had while testing and developing? Is there something that really sticks out as really “on theme” for the game?

Sean: In Jersey City, we’ve had a Tuesday night Rememorex game for over six months and everyone in it is just brilliant. it’s really like a TV show- hell, I’m running it and *I* can’t wait to see what happens next. One of my players introduced a new mechanic when he had an unexpected bug show up in Orlando during a Tracking Error. Another started a running gag about glow-in-the-dark ninja stars. Megan and I carefully develop a playlist of synthwave and retro hits for each game, and that really helps maintain immersion. Some of my players have started games of their own, creating new towns full of weirdness in Jersey, Arizona, Ohio, and Minnesota, and I can’t wait to explore what they’ve created.
Megan: One of the non-mechanical mechanics that I love best about Rememorex games is the opening. Every time a game is run, the lights are dimmed, and everyone puts their phones away and gets quiet as the Special Presentation video plays, and then the theme song starts. It provides a sense of separation from the world outside the game, and a more visceral pull into the setting. Sean then went further and cut a credits video, with the player’s names as actors and he and I as directors. We played it for them for the first time in an actual movie theatre, and watching their faces and hearing the cheers as each name came up was really special.
In the Kickstarter, you talk about some of your inspirations. How did you choose what you’d draw from specifically? What themes really called to you?
Sean: Well, like I said in the KS, Stranger Things was obviously a huge influence, but I also took a lot from some of the more forgotten films of the “80s kids vs. the world” genre. Everyone remembers ET and Gremlins, for example, but The Last Starfighter (an underrated gem) and The Wraith (a deeply cheesy b-movie with some really interesting ideas) are really worth checking out. Hell, even Labyrinth fits into the genre, although it’s sort of a subversion of the theme. Rather than the supernatural coming to the suburbs, the suburban girl comes to a world of impossible wonders. In all of these stories, kids win out against impossible odds through teamwork, determination, and heart. How goofy is that? It was bizarre, growing up in a time that almost seemed to idealize itself while it was happening. There was no shame in being unabashedly sincere or even cheesy. It just felt like cynicism hadn’t… metastasized yet, you know?

Megan: Obviously Stranger Things. Many of the classics of dread; Twilight Zone, Creepypasta, YouTube horror. Then the whole pantheon of 80’s movies we love; music from the time, tv, etcetera. Every single named business and most of the notable town personages are some deep deep cut of an 80s reference. That’s one of my favorite memories from our first burst of inspiration on that long drive; the laughing and excitement as we tried to outdo and stump each other with subtle name-checks. 

As far as the more serious themes, paranoia is definitely a strong thread. In this current age, there is a pervasive, day to day dread that is affecting a lot of people. The lens of the Cold War as seen through by kids and teens puts you in that same place, where something is WRONG, and even though you are seemingly powerless, it’s still up to you to do something to save the day.

How do relationships work in Rememorex?

Sean: There is a table of connections. The first player on the right rolls a die to determine the type of relationship, and the first on the left rolls what it is, on down the line until everyone is connected. Your character might secretly be dating one person, share a shift at the Video store with another, and carpool with a third, but you’re embarrassed to be seen with them for some reason. You’re a kid, so your social life is much sloppier and more full of unnecessary drama. When junior high school is your dungeon, secret crushes, bullies,and best, best friends are your traps, monsters, and treasure. Rememorex doesn’t underestimate this.

Megan: There is an entire relationship mechanic in Rememorex, meant to intertwine people before the game even starts. It was heavily influenced by Fiasco, which is a game we both really enjoy, and also by older games where you roll to set up your character history. 

Once the initial rolling is done, relationships continue organically.
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Thank you very much for doing this interview, Megan and Sean! I hope you all enjoyed reading the interview and that you’ll check out Rememorex on Kickstarter now!

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

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Five or So Questions with John Adamus on Noir World

Today I have an interview with designer and well-known editor John Adamus on his new RPG product, Noir World, which is on Kickstarter right now! Having known John on Twitter & face to face for a fair amount of time now, I know that an incredible amount of work has gone into this game, and I wanted to talk about his final product. See his responses below!

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Tell me a little about Noir World. What excites you about it?

Noir World is a collaborative Apocalypse World hack where everyone gets together to create a Movie using film noir archetypes, dealing with the terrible outcomes of their emotional decisions. The game uses a variety of film and television techniques to express film noir and character development to give people a chance to be both player and GM, ideally letting people tell whatever kind of story they want. 
What excites me most about this is that people are going to get to tell these stories using a framework that prizes agency and decisions. You get to make whatever character you want in whatever way you want, and there’s enough modular elements (you pick the time period, you build the City) so that everyone gets to help this Movie happen. This is a game built on collaboration and empowerment.


What were your inspirations, and guidance in development, for the themes and fiction of Noir World? 


I divide my inspirations into 2 camps: films noir like The Big Sleep, The Third Man, Night of the Hunter and TV shows with detectives like the Nero Wolfe mysteries; Murder, She Wrote; Magnum PI; Remington Steele. I make the distinction because they’re two ends of a range from serious (the films) to far less so (television), though they all have a lot of the same DNA when it comes to storytelling components and methods. While the material covers completely different subjects, that all becomes somewhat superficial when you look past the crime-of-the-week or the good-guy-bad-guy-binary and look at how characters relate to each other and how what happens in the story affects those relationships. Taking any of the source material and finding that emotional mechanism informed a lot how the game got onto the page.

Especially early on, this meant I could sift through material not because it featured the same actors or the same plot, but because it represented certain emotional choices or consequences – X amount of shows and movies involve betraying a lover or revealing at least one person’s intimate secrets, for instance, and it kept the design process very rooted in how I wanted the game and ultimately the players to feel when playing. Everything from the art to the example text spawned from locking down the idea that feelings and relationships are at the heart of the game. 

What are the archetypes in Noir World, and what are some aspects you like about them?

There are 20 Roles a player can choose from in Noir World, from the expected ones like The Good Cop or The Dirty Cop or The Fatale to ones that maybe don’t come up a lot like The Disgraced Doctor or The Musician. What excited me about fleshing them out and making them available for play was that I got to put my own spin on these tropes, which was often giving them small touches of pop culture or referencing something that’s slightly anachronistic or unexpected so that no Role feels “stuck” being played a certain way. For The Career Criminal, I got a chance to make references to Leverage, and The Gambler has quite a few mentions of the Kenny Rogers song. At first I was worried these small nods to non-noir would pull people out of the play experience, but I’ve found the opposite to be true: it makes them laugh while keeping them connected to what’s going on.

I love how open and adaptable the Roles turned out to be. One of the big issues for me with the source material is that it’s very phobic and bigoted, there’s sexism and racism overt and otherwise, and that’s not something I wanted to mechanize or condone in play, so I’m really proud that the Roles can be played by any person in any way they way want even if it wouldn’t be “true to film noir”. I want it to be more true to the player’s wants and interests than condoning 70-year-old social conventions. We can do better.

How did you take Apocalypse World/Powered by the Apocalypse mechanics and make them work with the cinematic, somewhat gritty world of noir stories?

I took it all apart. I had to. I seldom play a game without houserules, mainly because a lot of games have a lot of moving parts, and I don’t want to stop to consult a book when an idea pops in my head. This led to a lot of deconstructing and questioning how and why the rules are what they are, then going backwards to the games one generation removed and continuing to question mechanics like “why do we roll dice when X happens?” “why do we always look at the GM at that moment?” and then asking myself if I wanted to make a game that kept doing stuff like that. When I found out that I didn’t want to do the same thing, or just file off all the serial numbers with a re-skin of what was already there, I realized I didn’t have to come at this like a game designer first and a film/TV/story nerd second, I could reverse that.

So I put the focus on the story elements: how plot gets made, how characters take actions, how characters interact and then I put game design on top. It was both easier (because I kept the focus on the story structure) and harder (because game mechanics are popular and re-used because they’re familiar and easy) but I think I struck a balance where the game is about telling stories that feel very baked in genre and give players enormous creative freedom and permission while having mechanics that don’t get in the way because they’re neither particularly complex or numerous. The focus stays on the story, which lets the story go in whatever direction the group feels it needs to.

In what way do you think Noir World really captures your favorite things about the noir genre, and puts them in the hands of players and Directors to make a good film?

Film noir is about being faced with terrible choices that you know will have some awful consequences, making the choice and then finding out there are consequences worse than what you thought. You didn’t just lose your job and your marriage, you’ve been convicted of murder because your mistress gave you up to the cops. The severity of consequences and the natural downward evolution of consequences, in a worsening spiral make for really interesting and tragic characters. I don’t think it would be as much fun to have a terrible character that just kept having worse and worse things happen to them if they had limited or no agency in those events. In Noir World, a Role gets themselves into that position and then has to deal with things, it’s the very emotional version of “Make your bed, now lie in it.” People are invested in and have a hand in their own emotional rollercoaster, which I think is what makes the experience connect with people in an active way – it’s their choices and what happens because they were pro-active, rather than just reacting to a GM saying something like “since you rolled a 12, this happens.”

I don’t like games where the players can’t get creative except in some non-meaningful way. The game where we’re all knights and the only thing that could distinguish us might be our weapons or whether or not someone speaks in a funny voice does not have long term appeal to me. The characters don’t feel like anything more than plot-tools for the GM to use, and that’s not how I want to spend my gaming nights, especially if the GM had a bad day at work and the adventure gets boring or long-winded. Noir is about choice and consequence, so to me that screams “agency” and “empowering players to be creative.” A lot of the best games I’ve seen have players who are normally very hesitant to take a leadership role or a very decisive position, because this game is a permission slip to say what happens and people will help each other to get where they need to be, because everyone should have a voice at the table, and everyone should have the opportunity to develop and use their agency in non-selfish ways to work together to tell a great story.

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Awesome! Thanks so much, John, for giving us some info about Noir World! I hope you all will check it out on Kickstarter, and share the interview for others to read!

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

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Clueless and Teenage Drama

I just finished watching Clueless.

Now, not everyone knows that I was homeschooled, but many people do. I didn’t have a standard high school experience, and I always envied people who did. While I know the likelihood of me surviving standard high school is low, a part of me always feels like I missed out on things that I could have really used – good friends, better education, greater awareness, and some support for my learning disabilities that would have been great.

On top of that, I also really regret not doing high school things when I was in high school. A lot of the stuff – going to parties, dating, etc. – didn’t happen for me until after, and it left me a little unprepared. Hell, I’ve never even actually dated people. I don’t regret being married to John or our long relationship, but had I been in public school, I feel like I’d have at least witnessed other people dating, and been less blind to how romantic relationships are supposed to work, and might not have needed the extensive time reading and researching.

This might all be wishful thinking. A lot of people hated high school, and it was very unkind to a lot of people. It’s still pretty cruel to a lot of people. It’s probably just a grass-is-always-greener thing, but that doesn’t make it go away. I still cling to high school media, like Clueless and Mean Girls and Bring It On. They’re not realistic, but they aren’t supposed to be – they’re the way we wish things could be, or wish we could control them.

Bringing this back around to something people reading this might actually care about…

This is why games like Monsterhearts are my favorites. They take one thing that is deep in the heart of my fantasies: a real high school experience, then add something I love and enjoy: supernatural fantasy, and mix it with fictional control. I can tell a story I want to tell with heartbreaks and falling in love and good grades and worse grades and werewolves and cheerleaders and it’s fucking awesome. And Monsterhearts is not alone (School Days is another good example), but I’d still like to see MORE games like this, with different twists and different systems.

I’ve been quietly working on a teenage superhero game with evolving patterns of skills using a graphic representation hex grid for character growth. It’s a slow moving process, but this kind of thing is key to what I would want to happen in the game. Players acting against each other, twisting narratives, emotional investment, and discovery. I want to see more games do things like I saw the early version of Masks do – make me love and hate a character, want to be them and want to ruin them, make me want to be a hero and a villain, and turn the expected on end. Let people judge me and let me judge them back. Let me fall in love with the wrong person. Let me spurn lovers. Let me do it at a point in life where my emotions are completely out of my control, because for once, teenage hormones are a good excuse for something. Let me cheer. Let me hang out behind the bleachers.

Let me be a teen, in the best way and the worst way. I want to live it in new and different ways every time I hit the table.

I guess this is just kind of a love letter to the teenage drama. I wish for more. There is nothing quite like living a life you’ve never led.