Tag: tabletop rpgs

Five or So Questions on Cartel

Portrait of Mark Diaz Truman.

Note: Mexican gamers have messaged me to say that this game is offensive and glorifies murder and the drug trade. I’m following up on it and apologize for not researching better – I’m sorry. The interview is staying up for now, but with this disclaimer. 

Today’s interview is with Mark Diaz Truman from Magpie Games, here to talk about Cartel, which is currently on Kickstarter! Cartel is a game about Mexico’s Sinaloa Cartel, in the complicated moral environment of the drug war. Check out Mark’s responses to my questions!

—
Mexican man holding a large gun, surrounded by crates of drugs. Illustration by Andrew Thompson.

 Tell me a little about Cartel. What excites you about it?

Cartel is a tabletop roleplaying game in which players portray bold narcos, naïve spouses, and dirty cops caught up the drama and violence of Mexico’s Sinaloa Cartel, trying to survive in a dangerous game of narcotics, money, and power. Cartel invokes crime fiction like Breaking Bad, The Wire, and El Mariachi, stories about ordinary people caught up in socioeconomic and cultural systems that push them to desperate places. There are no heroes in Cartel… but perhaps there aren’t any villains either. Either way, Cartel creates stories that are alternately tragic and darkly humorous, set against the backdrop of an eternal drug war.

I am excited to publish Cartel for so many reasons, but chief among them is the way that Cartel connects my love of crime fiction to my own heritage as a Mexican-America game designer. After a few years of designing games, I started having conversations with people in the community about representation. And as a Mexican-American designer, I had a terrifying thought: no one could look at my games and know anything about my life or my history or my family. I immediately had another disheartening thought: I have no idea what a Mexican-American game looks like.

Years later, while watching Breaking Bad, I finally got an idea: I wanted to write a game about the drug war from the people who really live inside of it. My people. Mexicans who wake up every day in what is effectively occupied territory, caught in the middle of the war between the law and the cartels. There are many Mexican stories to be told, but this is the one that spoke to me, that unified my love of tight, compelling mechanics with the kind of fiction I loved to watch and read.

But it’s also terrifying. Since there are so few “Mexican” games published within our community, Cartel has to do a lot of heavy lifting. I’ve spent the last three years honing the mechanics and experience, and I’m so proud now that it delivers both on the cultural experience I knew was possible and a gaming experience that I hope keeps folks coming back again and again.

Rear cover of the special edition book with a colorfully illustrated sugar skill on it. Coloring by Brooke Carnevale, Layout by Miguel Ángel Espinoza.
Considering your heritage and background, how have you approached writing those of native Mexican heritage, and intersecting identities like women, queer people, and biracial people? Class would also be pretty significant here, so I’m curious as well how you handled that.
For the most part, Cartel is about Mexican people, not Mexican- Americans. But those lines are blurry for Latinos. After all, the border crossed us. In my home state of New Mexico, for example, the land was colonized by the Spanish before it was annexed by the Americans. Who cares what borders the gringos try to put on us?

But… I also have to recognize my distance from the reality. I live in Albuquerque: 850 miles and a whole country away from Durango, MX, the setting for Cartel. Many people there live with the threat of narcoviolence every day, and I can’t expect to really understand their reality from reading a few books. I can do my research and know my own history, but I’ve needed help from folks like Miguel to get the details right. For example, the first draft of Cartel gave a large role to the local police… which I have since learned is pretty far off from how the world really works.

Issues like queerness and race are even more complicated once you cross the border. Much of my game is about class, the ways that your financial reality determines your available options, but I’ve tried to create room for folks to bring a variety of characters to the table to engage the systems. Ironically, the cartels can be very egalitarian; they don’t care if you’re gay or a woman if you’re effective at your job!

Image advertising the Cartel Quick Start, which can be downloaded here.
A game focused on drugs and the associated traumas like violence and oppression is pretty intense. How do you handle those topics in Cartel? Do you use any safety mechanics to support exploration of those aspects?

Yes, absolutely. I think that one of the best parts of Cartel is that it demands that everyone at the table take some time to discuss what they want from the game before they sit down to play it. No one signs up for a session of Cartel without some thought about the experience they are about to have! (I hope!)

In the full text, I plan to provide GM’s tools for working with safety at the table, ranging from how to have the first discussion to example safety mechanisms like the X-Card, etc. That said, I believe that those mechanics are primarily external to the game itself. Each group needs to figure out what is required for them to feel comfortable with the material, and that line is going to change a lot from group to group. I’ve found that it’s really hard for me to tell folks where that line should be.

That said, I’ve done a lot to structure the experience within the game’s mechanics, sometimes in really subtle ways. La Sicaria (The Enforcer), for example, is a character that I’ve spent a lot of time shaping to produce a specific experience. One major change to that playbook I made early in development was to make her a retired enforcer who came back to the game after some absence, adding some world-weary priming for anyone who picked up the character. That’s helped to structure the fiction in productive ways–way fewer psychokiller sicarias!–without limiting what any player brings to the table.

Character playbooks with stylized layout and illustrations, with La Sicaria in front. Illustrations by Mirco Pagnessi, Layout by Mark Diaz Truman and Miguel Ángel Espinoza. 
What are the mechanical bits that you think express Cartel‘s narrative and the unique experience of the game?
I think there are three main places that Cartel is expressed through the mechanics: basic moves, stress moves, and playbooks.
The basic moves in Cartel work like any other Powered by the Apocalypse game, but they put a heavy emphasis on the conversation the players are having. There are four separate moves dedicated exclusively to talking or texting (pressure someone, justify yourself, get the truth, make an offer) and several others (size someone up, press your luck) that can be triggered verbally. That makes Cartel a game about conversations in the same way that Pulp Fiction is a movie about conversations: there is violence, but the camera lingers far longer on a good argument.

Stress moves invoke the entire stress engine, the bloody, beating heart of Cartel. Essentially, each player character in Cartel marks stress to avoid problems or keep themselves together in difficult situations. Eventually, that stress builds…and need to be released. It’s possible to just lose yourself in a substance to get through the day, but you might find yourself verbally abusing or shaming someone you care about or dishing out a beatdown to someone in a weaker position.Or if things get really bad… you’ll end up confessing your sins to a priest, cabrón.

Finally, the playbooks themselves contain a ton of Mexican culture and narrative that each playbook brings to the table. El Halcón has a pandilla (a crew), that comes along with him on odd jobs for the cartel, sort of like Badger and Skinny Pete followed Jesse around. The specific structure of that crew, their features and problems, is absolutely Mexican, rooted in the kinds of close relationships that exist between folks who work the street-level drug trade. I consider each playbook to be a challenge: how can I add a new facet of Mexico to the game with this character?

Cartel cover with large white text on the left, vertically arranged, over the bright pink colored cover. The picture of the Mexican man with the large gun and crates of drugs is the cover image. Illustration by Andrew Thompson, Layout by Miguel Ángel Espinoza.
How does the design of Cartel address challenging subjects – things like race, gender, and intersections of communities and cultures?
I’m honestly skeptical sometimes of my own ability to interrogate my games: I think a lot about what I’m trying to do, but it’s hard to simultaneously play the violin and say what playing the violin is supposed to mean! My hope is that, at some level, Cartel asks more questions than it answers about race, gender, and culture. Certainly Reddit threads like this one are a great start to the conversation about what games like Cartel are supposed to accomplish.

But I also think that Cartel issues a fundamental challenge to the gaming industry through its mere existence: it forces a mostly white audience to consider what it means to be Mexican, without the distance of metaphor or time. In many ways, my game design has been an effort to live up to that challenge, to take seriously the idea that white folks who might not have close relationships with Mexican people might sit down and play through a few days in their lives, not as a joke or a farce…but as a compelling drama. I think Cartel makes some white folks uncomfortable because it makes them realize how alien the experiences of their fellow humans can be, that they are more comfortable playing orcs than they are people of color.

To quote Junot Diaz:

Motherfuckers will read a book that’s one third Elvish, but put two sentences in Spanish and they [white people] think we’re taking over.

I absolutely see Cartel in the tradition of indie games that includes Steal Away Jordan, Dog Eat Dog, and Monsterhearts, works that strove to expand what’s considered “normal” in our spaces by demanding that the narratives of the oppressed be given some time in the spotlight. 

A woman holding a serious firearm looking into the trunk of a vehicle, from which someone’s arm is extended, by Andrew Thompson.
—

Thank you so much to Mark for the interview! I hope you all got a kick out of the interview and that you’ll check out the Cartel Kickstarter today!

P.S:Some updates made at 12:03pm on 3/20/18 to correct the names of the artists in the subtitles. Very sorry to Brooke Carnevale, Miguel Ángel Espinoza, Mirco Pagnessi, Andrew Thompson, and Mark Diaz Truman for my errors – it sounds ridiculous but I’m new to doing proper subtitling. I apologize.

Note: Mexican gamers have messaged me to say that this game is offensive and glorifies murder and the drug trade. I’m following up on it and apologize for not researching better – I’m sorry. The interview is staying up for now, but with this disclaimer. 

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Boot ‘Em

Today, Paul Stefko tweeted about not playing with people who are problem players. This was in a thread about saying no to your players, which is a thing I’ve discussed before. I wanted to address the topic, so I tweeted about it! The following is the content of my tweets, but expanded.
I want to talk about booting players – including GMs – from your game.

It isn’t the GM or other players’ jobs to fix a problem player. The player should be alerted of the problems and asked to fix it, and if they don’t fix it and it disrupts everyone’s experience, eject the player. Even if they live there. Even if they’re your family. Boot. Them.
This includes GMs. It sounds like a mess to do so, and it may be. But if a GM violates player consent, they could go farther. Just like any other player, GMs should follow a standard of behavior that respects others and is ethical, and one that ensures everyone has the most fun. If they don’t, boot them. You can play a GMless game, keep your character sheets and continue play without them, or start another game. There may be emotional blowback, or even social blowback.
It’s hard and it sucks but honestly, problem players can be a soul sucking experience. They can hurt people. A lot of things like talking over people can lead to bullying, or rude jokes can lead to harassment, ignoring rules to violating consent. Catch it early.
I know this sounds very harsh, but people don’t grow and change if we never make them accountable and provide consequences. If a player is ruining everyone’s fun and doesn’t change after a warning or two (depending on severity), they need to go. If it’s severe? No warnings: boot them.
You need to make a decision as a gaming group what behavior and what kind of disruption is acceptable. People who refuse to follow rules can and will harm people. Don’t be complicit in that. Don’t create more perpetrators of disrespect and harm in games. Be better!
Here are some suggestions on how to address this with your group and set yourselves up for success!
1) Put together a group standard. It doesn’t have to be long or complicated, but it needs to be meaningful.

When I was invited to the Indie Game Developer Network (IGDN) by Mark Diaz Truman, I was excited – but nervous. One of the first things I did was create and put forward an organization code of conduct. It wasn’t easy, but it meant a lot to me. I wish I’d instituted it in other parts of my gaming world, but I didn’t. What I’ve learned is that even something simple makes a difference. Here is an example of some standards that are actionable and have consequences baked in:
“As a group, we will:
Respect each other’s consent and privacy,
Respect each other’s personal space,
Ask for consent before we act,
Be honest and trustworthy,
Listen to each other’s perspectives, and,
Participate fairly in play and game tasks.
If anyone does not meet these, we will ask them to change their behaviors. If they do not change their behaviors, they will leave the group. If their behavior causes immediateb or serious harm, they will leave immediately.”
It sounds silly and formal. So does asking your friend before you take an action that might affect them in game, honestly. But if they protect people and make the game space better? Worth a little formality.
You can also provide these at cons, local game spaces, and so on. If people want to play the game, they can consent to guidelines like these.
2) Use safety and content tools consistently.

There are a variety of content and safety tools, including my Script Change, lines and veils, and John Stavropolous’s X-card.
These tools are about guiding behaviors, respecting boundaries, and making sure the game is the most enjoyable it can be. They aren’t about shutting people down or bailing, they’re about honesty, openness, and trust. This is important to remember.
Choose a tool based on the game you’re playing or style of play, or even try a few out over the first few sessions. Once you figure out what works best, always have it available. Get everyone’s buy-in, and use that as a habit.
3) Talk to each other.

Be clear about which behaviors are okay, and which are not. Talk to each other regularly about what’s working for you in game, and what’s not. Tell each other when their behaviors make you uncomfortable, and when they make you happy!
Have group discussions, mediated discussions, or one-on-one discussions, but talk. Be honest. If you can’t talk to and be honest with a person in your group, that isn’t good, and your game experience will be better if someone changes their behaviors or leaves the game.
Know that sometimes, that person might be you. Be willing to change. If you feel you can’t or that others who need to change won’t, it’s time to find a new place to be – and try to learn from what you’ve experienced. It’s okay to leave a game or group you don’t enjoy or you can’t comfortably engage with. You just have to make that choice.
—
This sounds like a lot, I know. Still, you need to ask yourself: does the game matter more than the people?
If your answer is yes, I don’t think we’re gonna get along.

Be honest. Be caring. Be better.
Boot ’em.

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Loving Your Work

Earlier today I tweeted about a tweet by John Harper on the subject of loving your work and how it impacts others. For ease of access, I’m going to include the thread here, and then write the rest of the post. This is… a long post.

John’s post: 

Hey, creative friends. No matter what you feel inside, go ahead and tell everyone that you love your work and you’re excited to share it. Lie if you have to. Your enthusiasm will shine though and others will pick it up. Don’t do the bs self-effacing shit. It’s kind of awful.

My responses:

I don’t think that it’s best to lie about how you feel about your work. My suggestion, to meet some of this ask, is “I’m working on something that I want to love and be proud of, but I’m struggling with that. Can you help me find good things in it?”

I’m not great at this yet!

As someone with mental health disorders, it’s really freaking hard to not speak negatively of my own work, especially when my work rarely succeeds or gets recognition and ESPECIALLY when I try to speak well of it and instead it gets trashed or I lose followers because of that. 

It is far more encouraged for men, typically cis men, to praise their own work. The rest of us can get called egotistical, or have people say we’re over promoting/praising work more than it deserves.

I want to speak well of my work but I struggle with it constantly. 

I get what John is saying here and I appreciate the intent, but I also know that lying about your feelings can hurt you so you should work on how you express them more than how to hide them, & that being positive about your work doesn’t always bring good returns and that hurts. 

John’s method can work for many people, probably. But for me, that would be painful & harmful to me,  with my past luck as example, & would not be successful as an exercise. 

Just saying: nothing bad about John’s words for many people, but it’s okay if it’s not right for you.💜

—

So, let me get the hard parts of this out of the way:

  • I’m not mad at John. I think he’s great and he’s been kind and honest with me in the few bits of time we’ve had together talking. We just don’t always agree, which he has always seemed to be cool about. I’m not arguing with him over this because I don’t see a point, it’s not like he’s bad or something.
  • I don’t personally think lying about your feelings is healthy. Some people can fake it to make it, and that’s great! But not all of us can, so I suggest if you do John’s method (which is totally fine!), be careful and respect your own needs. Performing self-love publicly sometimes needs to take a backseat to living and functioning, and I know that’s not a popular thing to say. It’s still true.
  • I know not all men benefit from the things I’m talking about here. I have many men I care a lot about who have struggled intensely with receiving recognition with their work, who struggle for people to value their work, and who have received negative responses to their promotion of their work. I know and love them, and I am not trying to belittle their experiences. Please understand that.

There we go. On to the meat of this post!

Description: Debbie Reynolds saying “Chins up! Boobs out!”
It’s okay to not love your work. 

It’s okay, even though it sucks. It’s hard to look at your hard drive at your projects, or down at your drawing tablet, or whatever your work happens to be, and feel that sinking disappointment in yourself. It can be related to success, or completely unrelated. It can be in spite of the love of your fans and friends, or it might be related to trying to meet their standards. It’s okay.

I’m going to say something that you’ve probably heard before, and I’m sorry to be repetitive. But let me try.

Your work is not what gives you value. There is no amount of work you can do that will make you valuable. You don’t deserve things based on what you’ve made, and it’s not about deserving in any case. You are valuable because you are. You are part of all of this world and your work may never be recognized but you mean something, you matter, and you are bigger in the scheme of things than your work ever could be.

Van Gogh could not have made Starry Night if he did not exist in the first place. You must be for any of your work to be, and you make your legacy, not the approval of other people.

Description: Freddie Mercury saying “Fuck everybody else!”

That being said.

I get it. I do. I look at my work sometimes and I scream inside (or sometimes outside) about its inadequacies. It’s failure. I lament loudly on Twitter that no one wants to interview me. I whine that I haven’t sold much of my work, and that no one posts about my work on social media or reviews it. I hurt. I hurt so much. I pour hours into my work and I hurt, and my work is no good. Nope. I hate it.

I bet you think that too, sometimes. And that’s okay.

The idea that you have to love your work for others to love it is probably not entirely what John was referring to, but I bet some people took it that way. Loving your work is not the only way to succeed and to make others love your work. It’s not! But there are things you should do. You know I love questions, so I’m going to give you some questions to ask yourself to make hating your work useful. (click thru for more!)

—

Sorry, this is my favorite quote and is appropriate. Description: Andy Samberg as Jake Peralta saying “Eyes closed, head first, can’t lose.” 

This is an exercise to try to find out what you can do to solve your negative feelings about your work, or at least move past them. This is something I’ve actually done, and I found it helpful, so I’m not just bullshitting you. You’ll need at least 5 minutes per piece of work, potentially more like 10.

Go to look at a few pieces of your work that right now, you feel bad about. Yeah, it’ll suck. Just go. Take something to record your thoughts. Ready? Ask these questions about each piece of work, briefly. You can go back with details later.

  • How am I feeling while I look at this work? 
    • Do I feel disgust? 
    • Do I feel sad? 
    • Do I feel angry?
  • Do other people tell me they feel this way about them?
    • How do other people feel about them?
    • If you haven’t shown them to anyone, show them to someone after the exercise.
  • Why do these pieces make me feel this way? 
    • Is it because of their structure? 
      • How should they be structured? 
      • Can I change their structure? 
      • How? 
    • Do they look bad? 
      • How do I want them to look? 
      • Can I make them look that way? 
      • How?
    • Do they not function? 
      • Can I make them work? 
      • How? 
      • What tools do I need?
    • Do they relate to something negative in my life? 
      • Can I talk to someone about that? 
      • Can I change it to ease that connection? 
      • How?
    • Has someone said something bad about them? 
      • Were their complaints valid? 
      • Can I solve any valid issues the person presented? 
      • How?
    • Are they unfinished? 
      • Can I finish this? 
      • Do I need to? 
      • Can I set it aside officially and return sometime?
    • Are they not what I planned for them to be? 
      • What did I plan for them to be? 
      • Can I make changes to make them that? 
      • How?
    • Did they not give me the success I wanted?
      • What was the success I wanted? 
      • Do I need to rely on that success? 
      • Can I ask for help to find it?
    • Have I been too busy to work on them?
      • Do I want to make time to work on them? 
      • Can I make time to work on them? 
      • How?

Look back at your “how?” responses. Which of these is 1) something you want to do, 2) something you can do (by yourself or with the help of others), and 3) something you think will make any difference in the way you feel about those pieces of work? If you have multiple things for one piece of work, put them as a bundle together.

Description: Taraji P. Hensen taking a picture with a phone camera captioned “you’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

Once you’ve figured a few out, look at your calendar and your current to-do list. Set aside a half hour in three days and then another half hour in a week to look at one of the items you think you can address, focusing on one set of questions and responses at each of these scheduled times. So maybe you think, “this drawing sketch doesn’t function the way I want, it doesn’t convey the emotion I’m looking for, but if I take it into Illustrator maybe I can strip out this section and draw in a new one.” You work on that.

Even if you just think about it for a while and write some notes, that’s okay! Keep setting aside just brief 15-30 minute appointments to address these questions, and work forward on execute the “how?” If you reach a hiccup or feel frustrated, seek support. Choose one or two people – only one or two – whose opinions on this project would be valid and you would trust. Tell them, “I’m struggling with solving this problem. Can you talk with me about it and tell me your positive and constructive thoughts?” Work from there to see if you can complete what you said you could do.

If you find that a piece of work doesn’t answer yes on any of those “something you want,” etc. questions, set it aside. Unless it is paid work, step away.

With other people’s projects, remember you’re satisfying them, not you. Contact the person you’re working with, and explain some of what you’re seeing, ask if they feel the same way. If they do, ask what options there are to address it (“someone said the draft of this NPC sounds like nonsense, can we look at it together and consider rewrites?”). If they don’t, just finish the project to what they ask. It might be hard or frustrating, but sometimes, we do paid work for no satisfaction. But, don’t hate that work – it’s over when it’s over. Archive the files, put it away, whatever you need to do: put it out of your mind. You’re done.

Description: Rosario Dawson as Claire Temple saying “Okay, I’m done.”

Here’s the thing: you might not love the work after you’ve worked on this. Make an effort to execute your “how?” and ask for help when you need it. After that, you might feel better. But, you might find out it’s not what you wanted. You can return to the questions, or with your own projects, you can set it aside until you want to jump back on that boat. Or you can toss it out. You are in control of it.

Now you know why you feel bad about it, and can try to do something about it. Just disliking your work and not knowing the reason can burn you up inside. And the best part is, sometimes, figuring out the why and whether you can fix it and how is the path to liking something, or for getting rid of something. Asking these questions and thinking about it practically puts more power in your hands to either do something or not do something, and neither decision is morally or ethically wrong.

—

You might hate that exercise more than you hate your work, so that’s something. But really, friends, think about why you make things. Creation is power. Creation is beauty. When we make something, we put something into the world that otherwise wouldn’t exist. It’s amazing! So why wouldn’t we work? Why wouldn’t we make?

And we are the biggest part of that. We control the work, as much as is realistic. We control how we market it, we control how we consume it, we control how we engage with our work. This is a choice we make.

I just wanted to use this. Description: Pink text reading “baby bok CHOICE”

Speak up when you feel dissatisfied with your work if you want, but try to do it with purpose. I felt upset with Turn because people kept on calling it Powered by the Apocalypse, so I thought it through, and I made the changes I needed to do to make myself stop being angry and disappointed with it. A few word changes and it bloomed. I felt frustrated with Shoot to Kill, but after I realized it was because I felt ethically strained about it, so I am making changes to fix it. It sucks to think about why you dislike your work, why you’re frustrated, but it makes it possible to change it and feel better about it!

People will see your enthusiasm over your work, or even your constructive discussions and growth, and want to enjoy your product with you. It will encourage them and it will benefit you. It is hard to do, but I think it is a challenge any of you are up for.

Hating your work won’t make work better, and yeah, it might not make it worse either. But couldn’t loving it make it great?

Description: Terry Crews saying “You know Terry loves love.”

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Playing Nice in Monsterhearts

There are a few things I know about my game playing preferences, but one is that I don’t have a lot of energy for negativity and meanness.

Description: JD from Scrubs “[thinking] at that very moment, I fear I had divulged too much.”

This is something that can be challenged by Monsterhearts. For the uninitiated, Monsterhearts is a Powered by the Apocalypse game about teenage monsters. It’s riddled with sex and darkness, and almost everyone I know loves it.

I enjoy the game, despite some of my quibbles, but I often hit a roadblock when a strain of negative energy slides in. I have absolutely been a contributor or creator of this, and it’s actually something I really dislike about myself. The first time I played Monsterhearts I found it kind of exhilarating, and I pushed myself too far – I ended up using an X-card on myself. I have played some nasty characters in the game, and I’m honestly not proud of it.

I have even made two Monsterhearts Skins – the Medusa and the Rusalka – and the Rusalka is definitely toxic. But it’s said as much, clearly, and not about meanness. The Medusa is really about concepts of purity, honestly, so not very much so. Still, when I played the Rusalka, they were a passionate and intense person who just wanted to love people – not hurt them, not on purpose. And that was a play choice, obviously.

Sometimes people are okay with playing dark characters, mean characters, what have you – but I don’t. Hell, I feel guilty if I even play a snarky one. I do it, but I feel gross afterwards a lot of the time. I don’t like playing villains, and almost all of my characters drift towards niceness these days. I think it’s because I’ve been hurt a lot, and because the world is so brutal, but I move away from catty, sarcastic jerks these days.

Example: I really didn’t like Jessica Jones much. Description: Jessica Jones looking pissed with the text #bitch the fuck you just said to me.

It has gotten to the point that sometimes reading other people’s actual-plays of Monsterhearts because there’s so much abuse. Like, there’s actual abuse sometimes, but there’s also various types of trauma, there’s cheating, and just a meanness, in so many people’s play. I know not all Monsterhearts is like this, but I just have the bad luck of seeing some of the bad stuff.

And no, most of the time I won’t bring this up during the game, or possibly even after. I don’t like ruining people’s fun and I have been shut down before about how “that’s how teenagers are” so I dodge.

Description: Cardi B saying “I’m being nice to you. Have I stabbed you? No.”

What this means is that I don’t enjoy engaging with Monsterhearts much of the time, which sucks, because it was a formative game for me. All of this is going to the point that: Playing nice in Monsterhearts makes it a better game for me.

Right now, I’m playing a wonderful game of Monsterhearts 2 with Kit la Touche, Dillon Conlan (my partner), and Eric Duncan set in the fictional Alder Creek, which we’ve subtitled Our Sweet Boys. We’re all playing men or masc centered characters, and we’re all like… weirdly polite. The characters are Tucker Ulrey (Werewolf), Silas Schowalter (Ghoul), and Nix (Hollow).

Their backgrounds are a little wonky, but we’ve discovered in play that aside from Silas generally being cranky – he’s dead, after all – we all tend towards like, just decency and politeness. Nix is kind of pre-programmed that way but models a lot of his behaviors off of Tucker, who is just a sweet darn puppy. Tucker is respectful and polite, though a little hesitant and gullible at times.

Description: a pug with a bandanna sitting awkwardly, with the word “heck” in small, lowercase black text.

It’s funny because in spite of this, we still have drama. There’s drama from the NPCs, who are not always nice, but are nicer because we are nice. There’s still challenge and spoopy stuff happening, but we’ve found that the theme of the game – as Kit said – is less “what’s going to happen next?” and more “what are we going to do about it?”

It’s still a game with teeth, but we’re not (always) the ones biting.

I think that it’s renewed some of my interest in Monsterhearts, and while I could write For Ever about my thoughts on the subject, the biggest thing I’ve come away with is that I think we’re technically playing the game wrong.

A lot about Monsterhearts in the text comes down to how there will be hurt and there will be trauma and yet, I feel like we’re weirdly building an environment where when that does happen, we’re playing characters that might be able to work through it. Yeah, I figure there’s gonna be violence and etc., but we might end up growing up and being better because of it – not more damaged. We’re like… good-ish, or something? With good intentions? And wanting to be nice sometimes?

Description: Sam Winchester from Supernatural hugging someone and saying “Too precious for this world.”

Basically, I like the idea of having to encounter bad things in a situation where I’m not also a problematic bundle of jerk. Monsterhearts, in my experience, can bring out bad stuff in me. This specific session feels different, and I had a weird thought while discussing it with the other players and Kit.

Kit and I have recently spent a fair amount of time playing my shapershifter game Turn, and the first non-D&D game Dillon has played was Turn. The vibe in Turn is so massively different that I know it’s definitely realigned my preference for play. I go quieter, I feel more happy when I’m playing someone who doesn’t just want to hurt people, and I feel happier when I have at least one other player I feel love with. I think it says something interesting that the only one of us to approach snarkiness really is Eric, who hasn’t played Turn.

I just wonder sometimes how much playing one game can change our perspective. I know that, at the start of my time playing, Monsterhearts changed mine. I’m wondering now – has Turn changed it, too?

No matter what it might be, I’m glad. The sessions we’ve had so far in Alder Creek have had a sweetness, a more caring environment, and I’m more invested in a Monsterhearts game than I’ve ever been.

Description: Jensen Ackles giving two thumbs up.

<3

P.S. – I’ve found I enjoy Monsterhearts far more when I play with Script Change over the X-card. Changes the tone, I guess. It’s nice!

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Death in RPGs – Let Me Live (revised 2/17/18)

Hi all!

I recorded this recently and had to make some updates, but now it’s a new video on a new URL: https://youtu.be/Uluvyh64_P8

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Play with Purpose

Dice by John W. Sheldon

I’m going to try to make this brief, but I wanted to express something that has been sitting with me a while, and that’s about what games we play and why we play them. This stemmed from discussion of Dungeons & Dragons, but it applies to many, many games and all types of players and GMs.

Why do you play RPGs?

I want you to ask yourself this question, dig down. Ask harder. Listen to your first response and dig deeper and ask harder.

Why do you play RPGs?

Now you have an answer, I would hope, that feels right. Now look at the games you play right now. 

How do those games meet your reason?

How do they question your answer – are you sure you want to do that? Can you even do that?

Do all of the mechanics support your type of play?

Do any of the mechanics reject your type of play?

Do you play around any mechanics to enjoy play?

Do you ignore sections of the rulebook to play?

What mechanics do support your play, your reason for playing?

Are the games intended to play one way, while you play the other?

What about this game makes it valuable to you?

Is that valuable thing mechanically in the game, or is it something you’ve introduced?

From here, ask yourself about the awareness you have of games around you that you aren’t playing.

Do you know about other RPGs?

Do you know how to play them?

What games allow you to play comfortably without ignoring rules, if any?

Do any of them meet your reason?

Have you tried playing other games that meet your reason, if there are any?

I ask these questions because I want to see us play with purpose, and that purpose is play, an activity that is enjoyable and entertaining (even if that enjoyment is not gathered through “fun”). There are so many RPGs that it is just super unfortunate for people to be stuck playing a game that they aren’t enjoying, that isn’t meeting their needs, that doesn’t fit their reason, that questions them in an unproductive way. I want to see people play games that hit the right spot for them.

This comes to mind because people play around rules so much, and that shouldn’t be necessary! If you play a game and it feels like work, or it feels boring, or you feel exhausted afterwards in a bad way, ask yourself these questions. Take a deep breath, and consider your options. There are hundreds of RPGs out there! Some of them are free, and plenty of them can be learned easily if you look for simplicity, while others are crunchy and mechanics-heavy in ways that some people find delicious.

If the fiction doesn’t work, ask the world for more options. If the mechanics don’t work or seem extraneous or seem too minimal, ask the world for more options. The options are there. Don’t suffer in play. It isn’t fair to you, it isn’t fair to those you play with.

Why do you play RPGs?

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 4 (Conclusion) – How

Content warning: sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual violence, threats, online harassment, threats of violence, harassment and assault of minors, statutory rape, rape, mental illness, anxiety, social ostracizing

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 4 (Conclusion) – How

 

This is the fourth and final post (posts one, two, & three) in a series about sexual harassment and assault in indie RPGs, larps, and spaces. I put out a survey to ask people about their experiences. This post is going to cover How (how do we fix this).

 

Previous posts have said this has not been an easy task for me or, especially, for the people who shared their stories. It has certainly been that. This has been really hard, and exhausting, for me. I can’t imagine how hard it was for people to relive their own experiences and trust me, to some a stranger, to talk about them with respect. Whether they chose to be anonymous or to share their personal information, I think it takes a lot of fortitude to talk about our experiences.

 

This last post’s Patreon proceeds will go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest Network) and I ask you to join me in supporting RAINN to promote the safety and wellbeing of survivors and at-risk individuals as much as we can. Donate here. Thank you!

HOW

How do we fix this?

Change. We need to change, and we need to do it as soon as possible. A few suggestions from the respondents really are valuable in how we can look at this:

 

– I think the community needs to learn effective ways to self-police. Maybe it should be included in first sessions, but I know not every one of the men I encountered in my early years was a sexual predator but they were complicit and probably egged some of that behavior on without realizing. Creating an environment where those predators are afraid and terrified of the reaction should they behave that way is paramount and an active contract the community and the game runners should participate in.

 

– A clear consent/anti-harassment policy would have helped. The convention has that today, and they have panels on sexual harassment and how to identify and help stop it. People also need to feel stronger about calling out bad actors’ behavior.

 

– Making it clear that these spaces (and really any spaces) don’t work without consent, and the adults in a space need to make sure that if there are minors in a community older members aren’t making advances towards them.

 

– They should have listened and made it clear that this behavior was not acceptable and worked with [the bad actor] to adjust his behavior into something not deeply harmful to members of the community. If it came to it, I think people should have asked him to leave the space/community.

 

All of the things we can do are such concrete, understandable actions. Most of them involve acknowledging the risks within our own communities. They also can often mean excluding people, sometimes even people we don’t know if we want to exclude. The reality is, some of the time we have to exclude people to include people. For every bad actor you include, you are excluding at least one other person or group, and that is a choice you should be conscious of every time, and you have to ask yourself whether the wellbeing of people at risk is less valuable than letting a well-known game designer speak on a panel at your convention.

 

Is it worth hurting people to be able to play with a GM who constantly runs over people’s consent? Is it worth losing the participation and contributions of tons of women to let the senior manager for D&D say women aren’t “real” developers? I ask anyone with power, with anxiety in my heart, with fear inside me: are we worth anything to you? Do you care? Will you read this and just turn away? If you decide we don’t matter now, I hope someday you change.

 

If instead you think it’s time to make a difference, my suggestions are here:

 

  • Create guidelines and standards for all levels of community (table, region, convention) whether it’s online or offline and ensure they meet the needs of all of the individuals in the community with consideration of their identities and their needs. (Examples at GeekFeminism Wiki and Big Big Bad Con.)
  • Educate people about consent and boundaries with the assumption that if we don’t teach them, no one will, so that we move forward with comprehensive information.
  • Learn signs of bad actors and their habits, like being unwilling to respect consent or not asking for it, lying about their behaviors, invading others’ space, suggesting content or actions that are inappropriate for the audience or that make people feel unsafe, and similar issues.
  • Call out bad actors when they do something wrong. Do it publicly or privately, but make sure it won’t hurt the survivors when you do it. Respect their safety and wishes, but don’t let people keep doing bad things when you witness them, when you’re made aware of them otherwise, or when you’ve been called upon to speak on behalf of those harmed.
  • Believe the people who speak up and support them. Don’t leave them hanging and alone when something bad happens. Support them through the whole process, and do what they ask (even if that means keeping quiet).
  • Remove repeat offenders from the community, even if it means banning them from conventions, events, and even your game table. Don’t let them continue to act badly in spaces you control or that you have influence over. If they apologize and demonstrate meaningful change, work with the survivors to see what is possible.
  • Protect minors and marginalized people from bad actors. Make spaces where those people can feel safe and where they can easily get assistance. If someone breaks the rules of consent and respect, get them away from underange and marginalized people as soon as possible.
  • Learn signs of abuse and harassment and find out if someone needs help if they seem in trouble.
  • Start using safety tools (link) and encouraging consent-based play in your games.

 

These don’t sound so hard, but they will take effort and time. If you want more complex efforts, hire a diversity consultant for your convention, for your project, and anything else you want to do. Ask people for their perspectives. Trust people who ask for help. This section is so brief because the reality is, the work isn’t complicated – it’s just going to be challenging. We need to change our culture and our ways of responding to the needs of survivors, and help protect people from being harmed in the first place.

 

Let’s start now.




US Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
– Chat https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

 

US Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
– Worldwide chat: http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/

 

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
– Chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

 

I apologize for not having non-US numbers at this time. The chats should be accessible for anyone, and if you still need help, please contact me directly via contactbriecs@gmail.com. I’m sending good vibes to you as well as I can. Thank you!

 

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 3 – Where and Why

Content warning: sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual violence, threats, online harassment, threats of violence, harassment and assault of minors, statutory rape, rape, mental illness, anxiety, social ostracizing, perspective of offender

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 3 – Where and Why

This is the third post (posts one & two) in a series about sexual harassment and assault in indie RPGs, larps, and spaces. I put out a survey to ask people about their experiences. This post is going to cover Where (where the events are happening, where are people making efforts) and Why (why do people do these things, why is this happening right now, why is it happening in these spaces).
As I said before, this has not been an easy task for me or, especially, for the people who shared their stories. I am incredibly grateful to the people who responded. Whether they chose to be anonymous or to share their personal information, I think it takes a lot of fortitude to talk about our experiences.
 
Find the post after the cut.
 

WHERE

Where are these events happening?

The primary locations for these events are: conventions, game tables/larp spaces, and online or face-to-face communities (so either local gatherings/social groups offline or online social groups/gamer collective spaces).
 
— Content note for discussion of online harassment in detail —
 
In the responses and in my own general awareness, online harassment is a huge issue. One example:
 
– I responded to someone discussing abuse from [an individual] with “Oh yeah, are people not all aware of that guy yet?” and had porn and hate speech sent to me by 200 or so disposable twitter accounts.
 
Harassment online – including rape and death threats – is extensive. I’ve experienced it personally, though not nearly to the extent of some respondents or those who are well-known who have experienced it. Online harassment is no blip. It can be targeted to force people out of work, or even just to get them out of the hobby. It is known and acknowledged that many people in indie games have left indie games entirely because of the harassment and extensive verbal assault, as well as doxxing and spamming.
 
— End content note for discussion of online harassment in detail —
 
My last note here is that online harassment has left some respondents in therapy, with panic attacks and PTSD, from the extent of this trauma. It is painful and terrifying to not know whether you will be safe from online harassers because they could and often do take the time to find your personal information and use it to harm you. We can’t forget that online harassment is significant, and that it is extensive. Respondents even reported the trauma from this being worse than their face-to-face experiences with harassment and assault.
 
I want to place a huge emphasis on the fact that a large number of the responses for all genders involved at-table (or in-larp) behavior that was disrespectful, violating, and/or simply inappropriate. People getting overtly hit on, people having their characters raped or assaulted, physically forcing people to touch each other or share space, etc. A lot of people talked about how no one seemed to try to stop things, or how they felt helpless. This isn’t how game experiences should be.
 
Some things, such as domestic violence, primarily happen in private, but the associated behaviors to domestic violence often spill over into public social interactions. This is the same with people who harass others in private – their behaviors aren’t exclusive to behind-closed-doors. Additionally, some people harm others in public – and as noted in previous posts, with no regard for others, and at times with no one stopping or condemning them.
 
Some of the locations mentioned were:
 
  • Convention rooms
  • Online (Twitter, G+, Tumblr, etc.)
  • Convention floors
  • Game tables
  • Larp spaces
  • Parties at cons
  • Private emails
  • Con events
That is a hell of a lot of places to feel afraid in, or afraid of going into. It makes me wonder how many people have left games because someone groped them, assaulted them, harassed them, and one of the most frustrating to me, used the social group’s culture and their social or political influence to make sure that the person had to suffer through long-term harassment or leave. That was in at least ⅓ of my responses. A third. When people mock safe spaces, I don’t think they realize how unsafe the world is.

Where are efforts being made?

There are some people making efforts, and they should be commended. Of the conventions I’ve attended, all of the conventions run by Double Exposure (www.dexposure.com) have comprehensive harassment policies, and Big Bad con has a great one as well. Both cons encourage the use of safety tools at tables (like Script Change, the X-Card, Lines and Veils, etc., which I’ve seen Big Bad Con includes in their program and on their site). A number of other cons, including smaller cons, seem to be taking action in this regard, too, which is great! This should be across the board, not just by a few cons.
 
There are also a fair number of people are including or building safety mechanics into their roleplaying games (Kids on Bikes by John Gilmore and Doug Levandowski; The Hour Between Dog and Wolf by Matt Gwinn; Lovecraftesque by Becky Annison and Josh Fox; Bluebeard’s Bride by Sarah Richardson, Marissa Kelly, and Whitney “Strix” Beltrán & others) and speaking about content and consent in them. This is awesome, but it doesn’t solve everything. Table culture is something that we all need to work towards improving, and looking for methods of change are being done mostly by those who have already been hurt or those most at risk. We’re working hard, and we need more people to work hard alongside us.

WHY

Why do people do these things?

The respondents didn’t provide much in this regard because I didn’t want to put them in the place of having to interpret the actions of someone who hurt them. However, a lot of the thread of the responses were things like social power, lack of respect of people’s consent or autonomy, promoting the “fun” of GMs or other players over the safety and comfort of the harmed players, and environments contributing to people having control over others.

While it’s impossible, I think, to know the whole of the mentality behind someone deciding they’re going to hurt someone else or the reasons why someone would be careless enough to do so accidentally, I want to offer a perspective.

— Content warning for descriptions of groping & predatory behavior including motivations from the perspective of an offender —

I have, twice that I know of, harmed someone in a sexual context. During the times I was in a manic fugue, I don’t know if I did then. It’s obviously not something I’m proud of and I have changed since then (the ones I remember were a long time ago). I’ve made steady efforts to not be that person anymore, but I know the things I was thinking.
 
[Note: I am not sharing these stories to make anyone feel bad for me, or to focus on the bad actors so much, I am just offering perspective of the bad reasoning for bad acts. I am sharing this so that those who are unfamiliar with or ignorant of sexual harassment and assault can see that people who they know can be bad actors and so they can realize how shitty this is.]

The two situations I recall were both while I was intoxicated, so my memories are blurry. However, the first time I was kissing someone and just took it too far because I was excited and thought they were into it. Eventually I realized they were uncomfortable, but it was too late. I groped them and it was awful that I did. This was me being selfish and ignorant and it was wrong. I wasn’t thinking anything except about what I wanted, and assuming they would be into it, without seeking consent.

In the other instance I grabbed someone’s ass (a stranger) while I was drunk. That might sound mild to someone, but it was wrong and harmful. I didn’t have their consent, and I was just trying to prove that I could do what I want. It was about power.

— End content warning for mild descriptions of groping & predatory behavior from the perspective of an offender —

Two reasons: ignoring someone’s consent (or lack thereof) because of selfishness, and power. These are pretty common. The second is more common than the first. The second needs to be fought constantly with education and by removing people from the situations where they can be harmed, and by condemning their actions. They need to know they can’t do it and that it won’t be tolerated, and that they need to change and never do those things again.

While there are people who are ignorant, drunk idiots, they are often that way because our culture encourages it and teaches it, and those people should be educated. We are responsible for that, and by “we” I mean “all humans, especially those who have social or political influence.” There needs to be active movement to discourage this kind of ignorance, and we should create spaces safe from the drunken behavior of people who don’t understand or respect consent.

If you have sexually assaulted or harassed someone and want to know how to move forward and make it right if you can, check out this link. It is unfortunately extremely biased towards men being the perpetrators, but aside from that, pretty useful.

Why is this happening right now?

It’s not new, for one. It’s just becoming more well-reported because of the access to communication and media that is allowed by modern technology, even though some of the problem is that technology can make it easier (harassment via IM or email or phone, doxxing, etc.).

However, there are a hell of a lot of reasons why our culture overall is allowing this, most of which involve power. You can look at the US President and see that sexual harassment and assault is accepted at the highest levels of our society, and the recent outings of many, many men who have assaulted people are overwhelming. You hear regularly about police abusing the people they arrest, or those they are just using, and many police are domestic abusers, too. Sexual harassment and assault is a regular part of our lives, and the current climate – one where so many bad actors are in power, in our government, many people have defended a pedophile. Either people want power or they just don’t give a shit about anyone else.

Members of government and various “elites” (rich people, celebrities, etc.) constantly abuse the power they already have, while people who feel they don’t have power – many geeks, those who are insecure, and so on – can hurt people in search of power. Our culture allows for people to more easily hurt women (trans and cis), queer people, and even men because we don’t criticize bad behavior even when we’re considering who among us should be a just enough person to police us, to be in respected, or to be considered a leader.

Why is it happening in these spaces?

Because we don’t do those things, for one. Many conventions lack harassment policies or behavior policies, though some are improving on that. The majority of game tables lack use of safety tools and many avoid the discussion of acceptable behavior in general, and this spills into small gaming communities.

People don’t call out behavior. We don’t stop hiring people when we find out they’re hurting people. We excuse people because of their social, political, or professional roles. We allow community members to continually be predatory towards underage players. We disrespect the autonomy and identities of marginalized community members.

The reality is that we don’t have established boundaries, and we don’t have rules. I imagine a lot of this is in the core of gamer/geekdom – we’re trying to break away from societal rules, we want to have our own worlds, it’s about escapism, etc. and so on. And I get it, right? Doing what you want is fun! Having control of your life and having fun is great. But this kind of culture, the acceptance of ignoring rules that protect people and the use of fiction to abuse people? Not cool, y’all.

This issue is not exclusive to gaming spaces, or even geek spaces. It’s everywhere. But it’s not that this behavior is common that is the issue. It’s that it keeps happening and far too often, no one says a word, even when someone asks for help. We turn away when people are in need because “they’re harmless,” or “they’re socially awkward,” or “they can’t be bad, they’re such a good [designer, gamer, friend, etc.],” or “we can’t kick them out, they’ve always been here.”

We need to step up.

 

US Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
– Chat https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

US Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
– Worldwide chat: http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
– Chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

I apologize for not having non-US numbers at this time. The chats should be accessible for anyone, and if you still need help, please contact me directly via contactbriecs@gmail.com. I’m sending good vibes to you as well as I can. Thank you!

This post was supported by the community on ko-fi.com/thoughty. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 2 – What

Content warning: sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual violence, threats, online harassment, threats of violence, harassment and assault of minors, statutory rape, rape, mental illness, anxiety, social ostracizing

Harassment in Indie Games: Part 2 – What

This is the second post (post one) in a series about sexual harassment and assault in indie RPGs, larps, and spaces. I put out a survey to ask people about their experiences. This post is going to cover What (what is being done as a harmful act, what the result of the harm is, and what we are doing right now).

As I said before, this has not been an easy task for me or, especially, for the people who shared their stories. I am incredibly grateful to the people who responded. Whether they chose to be anonymous or to share their personal information, I think it takes a lot of fortitude to talk about our experiences.
Follow the cut for the post.

WHAT

What is being done to harm people?

There are actually a ton of things that are happening. Sometimes, reading through these was really hard because of the things people have done. To protect the emotional safety of my readers, I’m going to be vague with some of these things, and other things may be paraphrased to protect the respondents. Others I may have to discuss in more detail, so I will try to provide adequate warnings.

It is important to note that some of the responses features things that were done to players’ characters either by someone exercising power, trying to break the in-character/out-of-character boundary and violate the responding player, or out of general disregard for agency and autonomy. Even in more casual games, our characters can be an avatar for us, and insisting that our characters are raped, sexually objectified, violated, or otherwise often appears to be just a way to mimic doing that to us as players. Responses included people openly hitting on them, pursuing relationships after they were turned down, and so on, even beyond fictional scenarios.

One respondent spoke about an experience in a group of queer women,

I played in a group limited to queer women, because they claimed men were toxic and dangerous, and it ended up being the worst experience of my life. One player was forced against her wishes to roleplay naked mud wrestling. Tons of sexual comments were made in and out of game, despite me making it clear that I was uncomfortable, especially because I am a sex-averse asexual. We had a female character who slept with anything that moved and had a bra of holding… exactly the sort of character the DM claimed was offensive when men played it, but somehow it was ok for a woman?

People being inappropriate at the table is a pretty common issue, and players, even from marginalized groups, ignoring intersectional identities while pursuing their own enjoyment isn’t acceptable or okay.

Most of the responses for both fictional and real life interaction included some variety of verbal violation. Some of this was unwanted flirting, some of it was derogatory language or categorical dismissal (women aren’t “real developers” language by Mike Mearls on Twitter, regarding a panel at Gen Con 2016 – reported by two of my survey respondents), or threats of rape or violence through verbal means. Beyond these verbal violations, others went farther into groping and physical threats.

— Content warning for sexual harassment and assault —

A respondent spoke about going on a radio show that was held at a con while wearing a dress. When they went in, they said “…the DJ groped my breast and laughed about it on the air. … There were several people, mostly men, in the room. They laughed, especially when I got upset and left. They should not have laughed.

— End content warning for sexual harassment and assault —

A respondent talked about how a man they knew offered a comfortable space in a hotel room at a con, knowing the respondent had back problems.

— Content warning for physical threat but not rape or invasive assault —

The issue was, however:

What I didn’t find out until I got there was that the bed that was available was his bed. A double sofa bed. I should have left, but felt too awkward. From there, things escalated way past what I was comfortable with. He didn’t rape me, but I don’t know how many hours I spent trapped with his arm wrapped around me while he spooned me from behind and I prayed that nothing more would happen.

— End content warning for physical threat but not rape or invasive assault —

Physical threats like these are a serious issue, and this is not the only instance of deception for unwanted physical intimacy I saw. This is about control in so many ways, and one of the ways it appears is in where these things happen. I will note that I also received response outside of the survey (for greater privacy) about instances of domestic violence, and how it impacted the individual’s ability to participate in the gaming community. One thing abusers can do is try to groom others into being their victim, and as someone who was a target for this in the gaming community, I can tell you that domestic abuse doesn’t stop with their partner.

What is the result of this harm?

The immediate harm done in these situations is enough reason to make changes. However, it goes even further than that. It is rare that harm from sexual harassment and assault ends with the initial incident, something I am aware of as a survivor who has to be treated for PTSD from sexual assault piled onto childhood trauma. Below are some of the responses to the question of what has happened as a result of the harm.

— Content warning for discussion of results of trauma after sexual assault and harassment. —

– I had to have a year of therapy to stop having panic attacks, and even now I don’t fucking trust men who are too nice to me at cons.

– I fear my career in this industry may suddenly end without warning if it hasn’t already due to the level of influence this small abusive group has within the industry. [referring to coordinated online harassment]

– I never again felt safe at a con, and as soon as I could, I made sure I never went to one again.

– …I have been diagnosed with panic disorder. I cannot see a [person who resembles the bad actor] without becoming hyper vigilant. I cannot see the type of car he drove or smell coffee (something he brewed all the time at his house) without getting anxious. I have managed to only be able visit conventions he might be at twice in the past 10+ years and both times I rushed around and never felt comfortable.

– This happened very early on after I came out, it had a very serious impact on how I perceived my body and my sexuality at the time. The fact that he was never questioned on this made it feel like maybe I was wrong for not feeling fine with this, that I should have been fine with this kind of attention. The fact that he was very clear about his sexuality also caused a lot of trauma for me about people only being able to see me as a man in sexual situations which I am still having trouble with 2 years after this all happened. [The respondent here is a trans woman talking about an openly gay man who harassed her in and out of character. Transmisogyny is a significant issue!]

– …For me, personally, it made me less trusting of a community that I thought was better. It made me not able to participate in a live-action game the next day, because I was hyper sensitive to people swinging boffer swords near me. It solidified my feeling that I would never be able to participate in boffer combat, an opinion I have formed due to many such incidents in the gaming community. It distanced me, once again, from a community that I feel I could contribute positively to. [referencing threats of real-life violence related to participation in a boffer larp, including the bad actor negging the respondent.]

– I’m more cautious about where I go at parties in general, but especially at cons. I don’t leave younger friends to wander around on their own– I look out for them, whether it’s at a convention or a work event.

— Content warning for discussion of results of trauma after sexual assault and harassment. —

A number of respondents explained that the events they experienced made them uncomfortable attending events, playing games, or being around people who were involved in this community. Many, as these quotes show, have experienced panic, anxiety, fear, and the mental and physical impacts of those experiences. It is clear that these traumatic experiences are significantly impacting people in games.

What are we doing right now?

Frankly, in a lot of cases we’re doing shit diddly. By which I mean: many people responded with statements that no one helped them. When I asked “What did those involved do to help with the situation or protect you, as a victim?” I heard a lot of variations on that theme:

– Not a damn thing. [from two different respondents! One was in regard to online harassment, which is a significant trend – the lack of action for online harassment was well-noted as at times being worse than face-to-face.]

– The groper in question was with other people helping him. I was too shocked to do anything at the time. Afterwards I didn’t bother. It was Gencon. Gencon doesn’t give a shit.

One respondent explained that they were told the offender was “mostly harmless” when the respondent asked for someone to be removed from a group for repeatedly pursuing underaged people. The responses continue:

– My attacker tried to come to dinner with me and some friends. I panicked and told a second make friend he had to tell my attacker he couldn’t come. A third male friend showed me pictures of his kid and chatted about inconsequential shit while I cried while second male friend talked to attacker to tell him to fuck off. We went to dinner and I pretended to be normal and failed. At some point I told second male friend what happened, and he told me what happened was sexual and not okay, which I hadn’t realized before that.

– I questioned this at the time and was ignored. [in response to a GM allowing players to “roll for sex” after declaring a player’s cleric PC was part of a faith that practiced “ritual prostitution.”]

– Nothing. They blamed me for being a girl, saying I shouldn’t have acted/dressed/been that way if I didn’t want the attention. I stopped turning them in after a while because it brought up all of my shame from earlier assaults. [when the respondent raised questions over adult men pressuring younger women (including the respondent) for nudes and oral sex.]

— Content note for mention of statutory rape ––

– …No one cared that a 25 year old was sleeping with a 15 year old. The two people I told he had forced me (I told them I had been uncomfortable with continuing to do stuff) within a week or so of it happening (two members of the gaming group we were in) did not care.
— End content note for mention of statutory rape ––

– The other people in this community didn’t really do anything, a few times one person was like “Oh he seems to be going a little far” but never did anything about it. [in response to an adult gay man harassing an underage trans girl.]

– Nothing. I was seated with a large group of people, of mixed gender. But they were the employees of the person harassing me. He is an indie game publisher. I’m sure they felt pressure to assume that nothing was wrong, or, if they could see what was happening, to ignore it. Although I know some of them casually (online), none of them has ever said anything to me about this incident afterwards.

Finally,

– Absolutely nothing.

US Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
– Chat https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

US Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
– Worldwide chat: http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
– Chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

 

I apologize for not having non-US numbers at this time. The chats should be accessible for anyone, and if you still need help, please contact me directly via contactbriecs@gmail.com. I’m sending good vibes to you as well as I can. Thank you!

 

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.

Harassment in Indie Games: Who, What, Where, Why, and HOW Part 1

Harassment in Indie Games: Who, What, Where, Why, and HOW
Content warning: sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual violence, threats, online harassment, threats of violence, harassment and assault of minors, statutory rape, rape, mental illness, anxiety, social ostracizing

Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.

Part 1 – Introduction, and Who

Recently I put out a survey to ask people about their experiences with harassment and assault in indie rpgs and larps, as well as spaces around them like conventions. I wanted to gain some context to talk about it.

The purpose of this blog series is to talk about:

  • Who: who is being impacted, who is taking harmful action,
  • What: what is being done as a harmful act, what the result of the harm is, and what we are doing right now,
  • Where: where the events are happening,
  • Why: why is this happening right now, why do people do this, why it’s happening where it is, and,
  • How: How we can respond to it, how to avoid it in the future.

This has not been an easy task for me or, especially, for the people who shared their stories. I am incredibly grateful to the people who responded. Whether they chose to be anonymous or to share their personal information, I think it takes a lot of fortitude to talk about our experiences.

The first thing about this, which I knew beforehand would happen, is that I didn’t receive piles of responses. While people are fine with speaking about their experiences in closed spaces, or in places where they could easily delete their posts, etc. I am not sharing the exact numbers of people publicly because I don’t want to increase any risk to people who have shared. I also want to point out that what I’m sharing here is pieces of the responses. I had to select carefully because it was, even with the responses I got, a ton of dense and very important information.

Edit for definition: I was asked to give a definition to indie games by a reader. The definition I offer here is just mine and what I used.

I allowed respondents to define it by their own awareness since it is a flexible term, but what I was looking for is primarily independent and small publishers (so as small as a single person, but not really bigger than Margaret Weis Productions) focused on tabletop RPGs and larp, and the spaces where those games are played and promoted (even within larger events, like Gen Con and Origins).

I was made very aware of my own circle of influence during this project, and I know that I actually ended up having to play the dodging game with people who I know have done harmful things.

Full Disclosure

Three of these posts are paid posts on my Patreon (Patreon.com/briecs), and I’m accepting support and donations through PayPal (PayPal.me/briecs) as I normally do. The final post proceeds will go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest Network).
 
Additionally, I want to give full disclosure for my perspective. I have been:

— Content warning for list of traumatic experiences related to sexual violence —

  • assaulted,
  • drugged and assaulted (to what degree, I actually am not sure…because I was drugged),
  • harassed, stalked, groped, and negged*,
  • recipient of erotic fanfiction about myself and the person in my inbox without permission and also when I was too afraid to say no because the person might kill themselves,
  • hit on and solicited by men at least 5 years my senior up to 40 years even when I was underage, from known ages,
  • recipient of rape (including explicit description) and death threats (of the “raped-to-death” variety) by strangers and by people I knew,
  • emotionally manipulated into sex, and,
  • body shamed in the context of a sexual relationship.

[*Negging is when someone insults you to lower your self esteem so they can give compliments and influence the individual towards them. It is popular with pick-up artists and it’s bullshit.]

— End content warning for list of traumatic experiences related to sexual violence —

A fair amount of this stuff occurred in game communities, others in adjacent geek communities. I have been sexualized by older people since I was at least 5 (yes, I’m sure of that), online and face-to-face active verbal and physical harassment started in my teens, and so on. I also know personally of two domestic abusers in the community, a few men who have harassed or assaulted people, and multiple people who I wouldn’t want to be alone with because of their behavior, and not all of these identities are known or public.

This context is so people understand, yes, I am biased. I am biased against people doing bad acts. I don’t think bad acts only happen to women or that only men commit it, or anything like that, and I do fully believe that in most cases people can change and stop doing bad things, and try to do better things. That takes work, though, so with no apologies and no change, people remain in a bad spot with me.

I also believe victims. If it turns out someone has been falsifying things, that’s pretty shitty, yes. Most of the time, though, victims are more likely to keep the secret forever than risk the stigma and vilification that most victims experience. Victims are not treated with respect in most situations, and it can be downright dangerous to speak out against people who hurt them.

SO, with that in mind, let’s get started. Follow the cut!

Note: Quotes from the survey may be cropped or have sections excluded to remove names of individuals involved in the situation or to reduce the length of the post – I am doing everything I can to maintain the voice of the respondents and this post is reviewed by the respondents for their approval.

WHO

Who is being impacted?


The survey was open to basically any gender, and I received a majority of responses from cis women (less than 50%, but the whole of theirs was larger than any other category), but also from trans women, nonbinary people, genderfluid people, and men. It is pretty well known that cis women are often recipients of sexual harassment and violence, but it is important to me to note that people were being impacted across the gender spectrum. This is not only a “[cis] women’s issue” – it’s an everyone issue.

Keeping in mind that cis men, trans men, and masc people overall are even more unlikely to report their abuse because of the stigma that comes with it, I’m not surprised that I received few reports from those individuals – less than ⅕ of the responses were from them, in part because a couple who responded are being counted as responses from women because some men reported on behalf of their partners. Still, it’s important to note that men did respond – in part because of a comment I got that stuck out to me.

When I asked what could be done to support victims, they responded “I have no idea. Criminalize men?”

Men are significantly noted as the bad actors here, but cis and trans men are impacted by harassment from women as well as others, and this kind of commentary discourages them from being able to acknowledge the harm done to them (by any gender, including other men). I want to make sure we don’t ignore other individuals who are causing harm (including women against women, and so on), and ensure we’re listening to all survivors.

I didn’t ask for participant ages, which I may change if I revisit this, but about a third of the people who responded talked directly about underage people (themselves or others) being harmed by sexually-charged behaviors, whether it was sexual assault or harassment, or manipulation and controlling behavior. Emotional abuse is a factor here across the board, and it really impacts younger people.

One person who responded said that they received a lot more harassment when they were younger, but now nearing age 50, they receive less – but it hasn’t stopped.

I did not include race or disability on the survey, which may be considered if I ever pursue a future survey. I left those out to ease people’s entry into responding and reduce the risk of identification by outsiders who read my article. I hope that’s understandable!

Who is causing harm?

It is unfortunate here that many of the respondents did note that the person who harmed them was a man. However, not everyone mentioned the gender of the person (I didn’t ask in case people wanted to share multiple experiences, which they did), and there were women reported as being the bad actor. People of all genders were noted as bystanders, as well, which was disappointing.

The bad actors skewed adult – almost all of the responses were grown adults, but teenagers were mentioned as some of the offenders, as well. This is important to note because of the age power differential, as well as the spaces where these things happen.

Importantly, not all of these were heterosexual interactions, or done by straight people. One instance has a confluence of issues:

I had a game master/member of a community that I was a part of harass me multiple times over the 2 years I was around in said community. The individual was a cis man who identified as gay, even though I am a woman and was identifying as a lesbian at that time he would constantly make sexual jokes about me. He pretty constantly made these jokes and also would offhandedly talk about wanting to have sex with me/wanting to see me nude even though I identify as a woman AND I was underage at this point (He was in his late 20s). [from a trans woman]

This includes the underage issue, the gender issue, tacks on transmisogyny, and also frames this as within a community. More on spaces soon, but in the next post, I want to talk about what’s being done.


US Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
– Chat https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

US Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
– Worldwide chat: http://www.thehotline.org/about-us/contact/

US Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
– Chat http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

I apologize for not having non-US numbers at this time. The chats should be accessible for anyone, and if you still need help, please contact me directly via contactbriecs@gmail.com. I’m sending good vibes to you as well as I can. Thank you!

edited 12/1/2017 correcting language re: cis women/women/trans women in paragraph after figure, ditto for cis men/men/trans men. Sorry for the errors!

This post was supported by the community on patreon.com/briecs. Tell your friends!

To leave some cash in the tip jar, go to http://paypal.me/thoughty.

If you’d like to be interviewed for Thoughty, or have a project featured, email contactbriecs@gmail.com.